I heard somewhere that women always know when their husbands are cheating but men are the last to know when their wives are having an affair.
In my practice, I’m not sure I can verify this statement with evidence from clients’ experiences, but it makes sense in that women are usually more intuitive about the health of the relationship.
We are constantly monitoring how well our marriage feels to us and we are guilty of comparing our own relationships with those of our friends. It keeps us more on our toes.
But there are universal signs in this electronic age that can tell us if our spouse is having an emotional or physical affair.
Before we get too involved in this, let me say that I think spying on your spouse is a bad idea. A VERY bad idea. It is an invasion of their privacy and it is crossing a boundary.
The signs I’m going to list will not require you to be a private detective. Just observant. Spying never works. If you do find something, your spouse will feel betrayed (ironic, but true nonetheless).
The discussions now become centered on your betrayal and the cheating spouse feels even more justified for having the affair. So avoid spying…but never stop observing.
Signs your spouse may be cheating:
1. Your spouse has become more withdrawn and distant OR just the opposite.
If your spouse is often lost in his/her own thoughts, sharing less about the day’s events or engaging less with the family, I would ask questions. It could be they are more stressed, feeling depressed or anxious but you need to inquire how they are doing. The opposite can also be an indication. Spouses who are cheating are often feeling extremely guilty and they will become more attentive and generous. Also, new relationships often produce adrenaline highs that improve mood. Your spouse may be much more cheerful and energetic.
2. You and your spouse have an Increase or decrease in sexual activity.
For the same reasons as I described above.
3. Missing time or money.
Your spouse isn’t where they are supposed to be. They seem to be having to work late more and more often. There are charges that cannot be explained or money that is missing from ATM withdrawals.
It’s hard to cheat without hotel and restaurant expenses.
4. Guarding the cell phone.
If your spouse is protective over their phone and this is new behavior, I would wonder why. New passwords that have been changed or didn’t exist before is also an indication. This is also true for other accounts like email and Facebook.
5. Increased texting and/or computer time.
Chat rooms online, emails and other computer programs make it easy to hook up in secrecy. If your spouse is always on the computer, phone or iPad, it may be time to ask questions.
6. Your spouse gets angry when you ask him/her if there is someone else or something going on.
There is a right and wrong way to do this so pay attention.
If you think your spouse may be having an inappropriate relationship with someone, tell him/her what you have noticed that has caused you to worry.
Don’t accuse and don’t be snarky or mean. Just tell your partner you have concerns and explain the behavior you have seen that causes you to worry. If you ask your spouse without being accusatory or degrading, he/she should be able to respond in kind. Oftentimes a spouse will blow up in anger or make you feel you are crazy so you will back off.
Your question has now threatened the cheating spouse’s entire world and this can very likely provoke an attack. If nothing is going on, your partner may be surprised or wondering why you are asking, but once it is clear how worried you have been, the non-cheating spouse will often want to help you feel better.
If your partner calmly says there is nothing to worry about, but you still feel insecure and suspicious, it’s ok to ask for passwords or to see emails and texts so you can be reassured. Make sure your partner knows this is temporary and will not be an ongoing request. Also let them know you will never go through their information without their consent.
Remember this important fact:
Please remember this list only indicates an affair may be happening. It is not proof that something is happening. If you do find out your spouse is having an affair, let us help you with what to do next. Marriages can recover from infidelity. We see it happen every day! No one would blame you if you want to end your marriage after an affair, but if you decide you do want to save it, that’s our expertise!
Call us at 972-441-4432 or contact us here.