5 Reasons You Should Fight For Your Marriage

It is easy to lose hope when you are fighting for your marriage.

Your spouse is telling you he/she isn’t in love with you.  They are clear in stating their desire for divorce or separation.  Your emotions are on a roller coaster and you have not seen any signs of softening in your spouse.  It is completely normal to lose focus and momentum.  You may even have family and friends who think you should walk away.  But there are a few things you should know before you make that permanent decision.

  1. Your spouse is also feeling hopeless.  He/she is viewing everything from a very negative lens.  But your spouse is most likely making a major decision based on emotions and feelings.  The problem with this is that feelings and emotions change…and they can change quickly. When you married, you both had hope and positive feelings.  Over time, hope was lost and feelings changed.  What your spouse doesn’t realize or believe is that their feelings can change again.  But it’s true!  I know because I lived it.  I was once in a place where I thought I would never again feel love and passion for my husband.  Feelings change depending on our environment and that is good news for you because you do many things to change the environment.
  2. Your spouse is trying to convince you to quit because he/she is tired of the struggling.  They want you to make this easy and you may be tempted to quit just so you too can get some relief.  But you need to know that you are going to have a really difficult year whether you divorce or whether you end up working it out.  If you divorce, you have to grieve all that was lost.  You have to start over and make financial adjustments.  You may have to share custody and help your children grieve the loss of their family unit.  You have to learn to be alone again.  On the other hand, if you stay, you have to continue this battle and stay focused on your goal.  You have to live in a situation that feels awkward and uncomfortable as you try and get your spouse re-engaged.  You have to manage your anxiety and deal with hurtful things your spouse is doing. There is no immediate relief.  Divorce seems the easy way out, but it isn’t.  It’s the beginning of a long period of grief, loneliness, fear and doubt.
  3. Don’t let anyone fool you…divorce is devastating with much collateral damage.  It affects everyone including your kids, your future grandchildren, your parents, your in-laws and friends.  There are lots of articles and books trying to convince you that divorce isn’t as bad as you fear it will be.  There are even therapists who will minimize the damage but more often than not…this is more about their personal situation than about yours.  Divorce is the death of a family unit and it is traumatic even to adult children.  It takes a psychological toll on you as well.
  4. The statistics can’t be ignored.  Your first marriage has a 50% survival rate.  Second marriages only have a 25% chance of making it.  Third marriages even less.  It seems logical to believe we would learn something from the first mistake and have higher chances of success with each attempt.  But marriage is an emotional choice for most people and our emotions and feelings change.  You increase your odds for happiness by learning and growing in THIS marriage.  A loving relationship is often more about learning how to love the one we are with than finding someone we can love.  People who stay married rely more on their commitment than their feelings.
  5. You may be trying to convince yourself you would be happier alone but that usually isn’t true.  I have no doubt you would be happier in a relationship where there was less stress and conflict but you were made to crave connection.  That’s why you married in the first place.  You want someone to grow old with and feel close to.  You want someone who knows your flaws yet loves you anyway.  You feel safe with that kind of intimacy.  When you feel safe and secure in your relationship, you are physically and emotionally healthier than when you are alone. Two really is better than one.

Marriage is hard because it requires us to think and act differently than we have done in any prior relationship. You absolutely must put more into your marriage than you put into anything else or your marriage will suffer.  You may have jobs, kids, friends and all of those require a vast amount of energy and time.  But to have the relationship you crave and that will last for a lifetime, you have to put your spouse above everything else. Now may be a good time to figure out what adjustments you need to make so that your marriage takes priority.

Use this time to work on your own issues so you bring your best self to the marriage. Even more important than time and energy is vulnerability.  Your spouse won’t feel loved if you aren’t able to express yourself in a way that allows your spouse to feel connected to you.  Our coaches are trained to help you do that.  It may be the most important investment you make.  Even if your marriage doesn’t survive, you need to make sure you don’t find yourself in this same situation again.  Let us show you how a better YOU means a better marriage.  Call us at 972-441-4432.

–Kim Bowen, LPC

59 thoughts on “5 Reasons You Should Fight For Your Marriage

    • I really do love this. I feel so hopeless because I’ve tried so hard to save my marriage. Now dealing with attorneys and figuring out where my life is going to go now, is hard. I truly love my husband with everything I am. He’s my better half and my soulmate but isn’t letting himself see how we can come out of this together, stronger. I really wish I could afford your coaching program. I am almost 30, have been married for 11 years and now I am going to have to start over. It’s heartbreaking.

      • Cindy…it IS heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry. We have a lot of free and low cost resources on the site. Check out the product page for workbooks! I truly wish you the very best in the future!

      • Is there someone forcing you to divorce? It sounds like you’re saying all those positive things about. Your husband and past marriage to somehow make yourself feel better. How or why do you think you will be “better” off divorced. It’s a lie that society sells well. There are a few cases where divorce is truly the right decisions, but it’s the exception rather than the rule. Why not fight for your “soulmate”?

        • How about the fact that I think messed up. I settled for someone that wasn’t my soul mate. We are currently separated and I haven’t be this happy in a very long time. He was emotionally abusive to me and our children. My oldest child even appears to be happier with this separation. Please tell me why I should put all this work into it. I already tried for years and he never changed. Now that he is separate from us, he has “changed ” Why should I continue to fight for this?

          • Crystal Only you can answer that question. It is your decision and your decision only. I have clients come to my practice all the time where someone else has told them to give up or to not give up. That’s not what we do here. Our job is to help you be your best version of you and to make sure you have fully explored all of your option so that you can make the right choice and understand the ramifications of that choice. Each choice has consequences to be considered. The fact that your’re asking the question tells me you may not be entirely sure what is best for you. And if that’s the case, consider setting up a time to consult with one of the coaches on my team. Warmly, Kim.

        • Yeah Iimarried when I was 14 we have 4 beautiful kids Ibut I was really respectful and care give him whatever he want when I leave all those years I being abused Meantly picscaly being abused he never woek help me he never help me with kids he make me sick at list I go emergency 2 times a month he if u come to see me he will tell me I wish you day in this bad I disused Depors I don’t think he will let me go he asking me last chance but I give me all those year change to change me and my kids it’s to let to ask change I need comments what u guys think about this I am so confused hard To disced

      • Exactly what you said, Cindy, but 22 years together and 20 years of marriage. He cheated. He left. Poof. Over. Two kids who are thankfully 15 and 18 and have full understanding of what is doing and unfortunately for him, they are angry and will not speak to him. He taught them one thing and is now trying to dismiss why it is okay. I am left reeling. Funny thing, when asked by myself and the counselor he finally decided to go to (I think to go through the motions to prove his not a bad guy right now) if he wants a divorce, he says “I don’t k now what I want.” He has also said “It is all about me now.” Something cracked when is mom got sick and then passed away – a year ago now. ten months ago, he left as within weeks of his mom dying, this woman he went to high school in lost her dad right before mom died… they had a connection. My heart is breaking and all I want is a chance to try. He says he has tried for years… well, he forgot to tell me. I am at the point that your email today said… to just do it to try and make myself feel better… to move on but I don’t want to. I don’t.

      • We have been together for 18 years married just 1 year, no children, we married so I could join him in Bahrain as he works there.
        But as soon as we married it went wrong, he no longer wanted me to join him , not even to visit, he was reluctant to come home to visit me, and now he wants out of our marriage, not sure what to do or why this has happened

  1. I have purchased your kit and I am working through it. I will also be engaging the help of your coaches so that I can do this to the best of my ability. there are some days when all seems lost and I do want to just give up, but then there are the words of kim bowen !! These get me back off the floor and trying again. I am going all the way with this I’m hoping for the best and I really think that power of two has a finger on the pulse of this thing.

    • Johnnie! So glad to hear you are fighting for your marriage!!! This is some of the hardest work you will ever do. I truly wish you the best. WHich coach are you working with??

  2. I reached out via email a few weeks ago and have yet to hear a response. Can someone follow up with me please? Thank you.

    • Linda
      I’m not sure what happened! If you haven’t been contacted, please call us at 972-441-4432 and we will get you taken care of ASAP!

    • Tim,
      Don’t send this page to your wife. That would be pursuing behavior and is often not welcomed. I know you have a meeting scheduled with Carol tonight. She will be able to give you more direction at that time.

  3. it seems as if my life has been replicated in these words. how do I fight. how do I get her attention. how do I make her receptive. it’s all so frustrating

  4. I am confused! My husband has been gone nearly 3 months. He left I was deveastated! But every fight or argument he has always wanted to “divorce” and I’m not the only one he has done this with. (He had a bad childhood and this is his cycle of life now). When he left I tried everything to get him back. (We have kids including 7 month old) I ran across your website and I have been following it. He took off to Texas with his parents 3 weeks ago. We live in KY. He wouldn’t call the kids and the baby kept having seizures that he knew just started when he was over visiting before he left. He swore he would be there for docs and baby…. Never heard from him. Kids cried for him begged….. Never heard from him. He knew he was due to come back tomorrow. He has been staying with his mother as she has two houses. My husband has his 4yo with him as we have custody of from his Previous relationship. He has started contact with the kids about a week ago and now has started to want to work things out. I refused to let him live here till it is all sorted out. I have told him that when he gets back we can “date” again and see where it goes. I have wanted my husbad to want me for so long and I have waited for this moment! But here’s the problem, I shut him out when he ignored the kids and I was made to watch them each night suffer cause daddy wouldn’t call or come see them. They didn’t understand and I didn’t understand. He quit his job when he took off to Texas. He has finally said the words and showing trueness with the emotions now and I’m just not even sure I care anymore. I know this is my fault for these feelings! about 4 weeks ago I meet a man and he wa going through similar issues with his wife as in they would fight all the time and he was just looking for someone to talk to. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship I wanted my Husband. We shared feelings of our spouse to each other and gave each other “pointers”. I more so have him some because the way his wife was acting, I knew was me in my current marriage. I could relate. So giving him advice to fix his marriage was easy. But he was staying for the girls and had shut her out. Now his wife I can tell you treated him much much worse 10 years ago and I can see why he is shut off mode. She would hve the ex husband pick her up at her and her new husband house leave him with er and exs kids while her and ex would go run around. This was an everyday thing for months and months and about 18 months all together. . The new husband and her had 2 Childeren while she was doing all this. She made the new husbad leave the hospital room right after their last child was born so that the ex could come in and they share baby moments. He stood at end of hall crying. Naturally! He tried to make it work then but she just kept on. Eventually he left when baby was 6 months. He was gone for 2 weeks and the ex husband and her child died in a go cart/drunk driver accident. He went back and stayed that was 8 years ago. He was now ony staying for the girls. Back to current date, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I absolutely love this man! He and I have made a relationship and it is amazing, yes it’s still new and blah blah. But he left his wife this week and has got his own place now. He is gonna file divorce as our state makes you wait 30 days. I have filed child suport and legal separation on my husband. I’m confused because I would love to have a life with the new “J” and I feel obligated to somewhat try with the “H” (husband) because well we are married and have Childeren. I know if I cut “j” off which is what needs to be done till everything is sorted, he will peruse me and do what he can to save us. No he wouldn’t tell “h” or anything like that he is a kind man. But here is the extra kicker, his wife text me to ask advice on saving their marriage And she knows for a fact I am the “other woman” I have never meet her. I do give her advice so that they can attempt to save their marriage even though he is not helping save it or want to at all! And his feelings for her has not changed in 4 weeks at all! I’m torn as to what I should do. I know I created this mess and I know what I morally should do, but my heart is telling me something different. I know that if cut “j” off I could eventually probably make it work for “h”. But if he hasn’t fully changed his ways as wanting to leave over the smallest disagreement everytime, I will still want a divorce. I’m sure I could find the great marriage in my husband and I down the road and love him like I should , like I did a few short weeks ago. I just need advice. I don’t have the money to buy the kit and I’m not sure if you can give me understandings of what it is I am really experiencing. And how to deal? I just would love advice. I’m sure the first one is to walk away from “j” I have read all statistics and etc about affairs lasting. But this relationship is not like any before I have ever experienced. I have never had an affair if cheated till now. I would please love insight!

    • I marriage the two become one flesh. Marriage is God’s creation and its for life. Though the world may tempt us in several ways to justify leaving our spouse, it is not Gods plan. Fight for your marriage and humble yourself regardless what your husband is doing. Let him see love and respect from you. Your soul will never be truly happy if you go by your feelings and forget your vows. Till death do us part.
      I made the mistake and looked to another relationship to solve my marriage problems. I thank God that he got my attention and help me see how to stand and wait for my husband and fight for my marriage no matter what. He will do the same for you if you let him.

  5. I am currently in the process of divorce, we have issues after our daughter was born, we stopped sleeping together and can’t talk anymore. It made him so unhappy and so did I. Fast forward, we were going to fix our marriage and planned for vacations and such, he went home to america around may, meet a girl in Switzerland(I’m from Asia, Philippines) then by June he told me he’s separating with me and I told him OK, he can do whatever he want, he went back to Switzerland and now is with the girl. I tried to talk to him about trying to fix us to give it a try but was put down all the time. Sometimes he would budge and say he will consider but next time he would say no, it can’t be fix anymore. He came to the Philippines and is staying in the house and I was hoping with him staying we could give it a try but was shot down all together and was always arguing with me, he was snooping on my messages and blew out when he learned I was talking to guys. I lied tohim when he asked me if I’m thinking of meeting that person by saying yes. I did that for I’m angry that he has a gf to talk to and I don’t so I did it, it was for pure conversational relationship and nothing romantic, and before he snoop on my messages he was considering staying, but with my lying he said he won’t do it anymore. So I tried to make him stay for our kid and said hell consider again, it happened yesterday when he snooped to my messages again and made an issue to one of the conversations. We went home arguing and he said were not fixing it anymore and he said something about his gf, that just made me snapped and stopped hurting. I realized in all those 8 years that he said he never felt my love it was the other way around. At the end, I said I accept the divorce and I feel grateful that I’ll be out of the most awful loveless marriage in the entire planet. Sometimes I would think try again, but I can’t anymore for all those begging and humiliations. I’m the only who loved and looking with him talking to his gf is something I’m jealous of and would want it, but I try to remember his gf so I don’t make a fool of my self again. I had stopped crying and I feel relieved already.

  6. 4 months a go I founded out that he is having an affair. At first he denied, but after the proof were to hard to ignored (pictures on the social media, credit cards bills, telephone records & text message) he finally admitted. He was in the US at that time on the home visit, while I was in Australia ( we are posted in Australia for his job), he only communicate with texting said that he is sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me or treated that way. For 3 days he didn’t call, didn’t call our daughter either. I called him and told him that he has to call her, she doesn’t know anything, so he finally keep I touch with him again. Fast forward, he told me that the affair was going on for more than a year, the girl is from Singapore, 37 years old, divorce, high school graduate, live as a kept women (don’t actually have a job). He came home tell me that he wants to be my friend for our daughter sake, he wants out, he is pursuing life with this girl, so we kind of arranging on how our life going to be. I begged him to try again, but he said it’s too late. He said he was unhappy with our sex life forever, the past 3 years he never touch me at all, this girl give him the satisfaction, he can’t imagine before. He doesn’t mind that we are still married but, he will still keep the girl. He will travel (like before) to meet the girl every month or whatever, (Singapore to Australia is 5 hours flight). But a new twist came, last month his assignment in Australia was cut short, we have to go back to the state. That create a chaos in his la la land. The girl will never get a staying visa unless they got married and for that he need to divorce me first. I am adamant on getting a divorce, at the moment. It’s a day to day thing, there is a day that I just want to quit and give up, but then I look at to our daughter, make think that I (at least owe it to her) need to fight for my marriage. What I’ve been doing is trying to forgive him and be as normal as possible toward him (aka nice/civilized). I told him that I love him & I forgive him and working on to forget it. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t say that he wants to come back or that we have to get divorce. He is now back in the US, supposedly looking for a house ( we sold our house before we move here). Before he left, he said he’s will came back to me if I still want him, that was 3 weeks a go). The communication is very minimal, he only call our daughter, never really talk to me. 3 days a go, I found out that he transferred 20 thousand dollars to this account, so I called him, and the girl puck up the phone. I can heard in the back ground that he was upset because the girl not suppose to answer his phone, and the girl just scream. So that’s how I found out that after he said he is willing yo come back, but he still take the girl with him and give money to her. I am completely lost, when I ask him what & why he said he want to be with her, and when I asked what about us, he said ” ups to you” so it’s up to me, don’t know what to do. On one hand it’s open up a wound that not even properly heal (still working on the healing myself from the first blow) now this, but on the other hand, we told our daughter that we are moving back the state to be together with daddy. Please help, should I give it up now? It’s obvious that he doesn’t want me, disrespect me, humiliating me, etc. is there any reason to fight for it? I don’t know if I can love him again. This is like the last straw, but I don’t want to give my marriage up for a bimbo.

    • Serendipity, give us a call! If your husband is disrespecting you and “humiliating” you, it is definitely time for boundaries!!!! Not setting them will push him further away.

  7. My husband and I have been off and on for about a month, and about a week ago, he made the decision to separate and divorce. He wants me to move out because one night i had a break down and he didnt want to have it again by me being there. Which I am today actually because he really wants it. But, when we interact after he gets off work, we are laughing together and talking. He had been talking to me about work. I’ve been trying to back off and find myself again and be happy. Its like he enjoys it, and then remembers that hes mad and is suppose to want to be apart. A couple nights ago, I had made a breakthrough and was happier. H asked why I was so happy, I said making the best of things. He gave me weird look. And I said in enjoying the time with you. He said, don’t get used to it. Its like he wants me to be happy, but happy without him made him angry. He keeps telling me where he is going and who he is with is he won’t be home when I’m off work. Last night, I went out with a girl friend and he got home before I did. He called me and asked what I was doing, said I was driving. Asked if I was on my way home. Thought I went to my moms. I said no, didn’t go to moms. I get home and he tells me he was shocked I wasn’t here and he was worried. Asked me how my friend was (who is going through something similar) I said. Alright but could be better. Then he asked how I was. I said alright. He finished my sentence and said ,but could be better?. But, I’m still going to my moms. He didn’t change his mind about me going. Idk what to do. I know he still loves me. He has told me. He obviously cares. He’s the one who is tired of the struggle. I want to stay together. I told him I feel we are rushing the divorce. What do you think (this was the day before he asked me to leave). He said maybe. Looking back at the conversation, I think he dropped me hints so I am hopeful. But with the progress I made for myself seems to help, it hasn’t changed his mind. I’m am so afraid that me not being there will not help. Although, we separated before and got back together. He says he’s tired of the cycle of change then going back to old ways. I just want to get through this so we can’t work on us again.

    • Carley, I really hope you work with us. Our coaches can help you make permanent changes to improve yourself and your marriage. 972-441-4432.

      • I think I will give you guys a try. I have read the free eBook and have been trying to take a step back and not bug him at all. Don’t talk about us, etc. He found out there was a car accident that would have been right when I would be getting home and called to make sure I was OK and not hurt or anything. Then he went on to talk about his job position changing and I said that us good, hopefully you won’t feel so stressed about work. We had a pleasant convo with laughter. Then he he brings up splitting the car insurance. Today, I had to call him about vision insurance today and he wasn’t feeling well. He helped me with no frustration or annoyance with me. But he was getting frustrated that he didn’t feel well and the website sucked. He then texted me 10 minuted after and applogized for that.

        • Hi Carley,
          I just wanted to drop a line and let you know I know exactly how you feel. I do hope things work out for the best for you; in fact I know they will. I am encouraged for you. I am not in such a hot place myself; I’m accepting that we’re going to divorce. I was working the eBook for a while, however I am just so hurt, drained, and pained watching him carry on an affair in public and in front of our children, I’m throwing in the towel.

          We still live together, and it is my sincere hope we can physically separate within the next 6 months, and whenever divorce happens, that it’s clean and amiable. I love him, he loves me, and we have different ideas about life now than we did when we married. Today, I can’t do it anymore. I do trust God will work everything out for our good. And right now, I know my good is peace of mind, and peace of mind means separation, We are too close; I don’t want to see or know anything he does, his goings, his comings, nothing. As long as he’s around to take care of our children when I’m in school or at work, I don’t want to know where he is or what he’s doing. I’m just done.

          Sorry for going off on your reply Carley. I couldn’t see how to make my own comment. 🙂

          • Linda, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I understand about being tired and ready to throw in the towel. If we can help you at all, please call us at 972-441-4432. I do want to say though that it appears it is time to “yank the chain” for your husband. Setting firm and respectful boundaries will help you deal with everything and maybe not get so exhausted. Our toolkit and after the affair workbook explain all of this more.
            All the best,

        • So glad you are going to work with us! Would love to hear from you on how it’s going. Clients tell me every day how much they love our coaches here! So excited for you!

  8. Hi Kim. I have and will continue to follow all your much appreciated thoughts and advice. My wife and I have been together for 23yrs, we have an 18yr old daughter and a 12yr old boy. Recently my wife has told me she no longer loves me. She still cares about me she said, but she would now like to separate. Obviously I’m devastated. We have been seeing a counselor over here in Australia separately for app 12 months. I would’ve preferred together but my partner wouldn’t. My goal was to become a better man and save the relationship. I have become a better man even according to my wife, but unfortunately the counselor or counseling hasn’t helped the relationship. I want this relationship and my family to be happy and healthy again more than anything. I’m so worried. Today my wife come to me and said she would now like to sleep in separate beds. I worry about what this will do to our relationship and the effect it will have on our kids. Kim I have no idea how to handle this. What do I do or say? Please help me.

    • Steve,
      I recommend you work with one of my coaches. The advice I give on this site has to be general and may or may not apply to your particular situation. I applaud what you are doing to become a better husband and man. That is hard work and will benefit you greatly. But I highly recommend you get advice based on your particular facts and dynamics. The only way to do that is with a coach. Our coaches work closely with you to help you evaluate what is going on and what options you have. This could be the most important step you make. Hang in there, Steve!

      • I also am going through this same situation and it is tearing me apart. My wife and I have been together for 17 yrs, and married 9 this June. We have two boys 15 and 11 that love us both being together. We are now sleeping in separate rooms to give her space. She also tells me that she don’t love or have feelings for me, and hasn’t for a while now. I have changed my life to better myself and our relationship, as I have been seeing a counselor for the past 3 months but she won’t come or see one for herself. I truly believe that we can fix things as we have both said we would in the past few months but she has given up all together, and I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do.

  9. I just got divorced. We were living together for almost 5 years before we got married and we had planned to have children after she finished her PHD. Then she started making excuses about delaying having a baby. We were already 37 years old. I was not free of fault either, but I begged her to save our marriage and I was ready to do anything to save it. Then she just told me that she felt that when she was walking down the aisle that her life was over because she would be married and having children. So she never wanted to get married in the first place and wasted 5 years of my life. It hurts that she values more her freedom than saving our marriage.

    • Henry
      I’m sure this was VERY hurtful. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It would have been much kinder (although still painful) if she had been a runaway bride instead of delaying 5 years to tell you how she was feeling.

      Hang in there! This is painful but you will survive! You need to grieve the loss of this marriage and then you can move to a better place.

      Peace and blessings!

  10. My husband told me 2 1/2 months ago that he was having an affair for the last 9 months. He told me 1 month ago that he wants a divorce. He has been working in Europe for the last three years and only coming home to the States once a month to see me and our 3 kids: 15 yrs, 13 yrs and 8 yrs old. He went to our counselor three times and didn’t like that he was told he was wrong so has decided to stop going. I’m continuing because I’m trying to deal with all of this. He said he has done with me for a while. We both made mistakes in the marriage by not making each other a priority and him focusing on work and me on the kids. I still love him and don’t want a divorce. Help!

  11. After 18 years of marriage to the love of my life, My wife handed me a letter late one night two months ago after getting home from work. The letter said, “your a great dad and a good man, I love you but I’m not ‘in love’ with you. I think I made a mistake marrying you and was looking for an escape from my childhood past and you were someone that gave me stability at the time.” These are words that will totally destroy any man who truly loves his wife. I’m fighting for my marriage now with everything inside of me! I love her so much and DO NOTwant a divorce. We are currently going to counseling but every time we go she says she don’t believe anything is going to change things. Devastating. My heart sank into my stomach with a sick feeling and thinking, “NO , I LOVE YOU, this is not suppose to happen to us!!” . Sometimes I think maybe it is hopeless but I know deep down God is my only hope and is the ONLY THING that can change her heart.
    It’s so hard when you long for just a hug, kiss, or to hold her but she’s so cold and wants no part of any of it. Or when you say, “i love you” but get no response. My world has been turned upside down and the pain is overwhelming. This site gives me hope. Thank you.

    • Bryan, my situation is identical to yours. I got that letter from my wife and a petition to divorce in the first week of June 2015. After 26 years of marriage my wife told me she made a mistake in marrying me. She is forcibly divorcing me, without any acts of infidelity or abuse of any kind by either of us. We have two children, a daughter age 20 and a son age 17 still in HS, My pain is now overwhelming too, and I know what you felt during April because I’m feeling the horrible problem of having to accept an unnecessary and unwanted divorce. Even though we are both seeing a marriage counselor, her position is still very headstrong and determined. We must both trust in our God to heal us and sustain us in the difficult test to come.

  12. My husband sent me and our first child out 13 days after he was born and that was in Jan 13th 2015.I feel deeply hurt about the way he treated me.I feel he’s very mean to have done that to me in the condition i was as at the time.I had just given birth through Cesarean section and was having complications after the surgery.It was when i was still in the hospital he told me that he wasn’t interested in the marriage again without any strong reason.I was depressed for a very long time but i’ve tried as much as possible to forgive him but he doesn’t feel remorse for what he did and doesn’t pick my calls or reply my message anymore.My fear is that i may end up not getting married again because i don’t want to have my kids for different fathers plus i still love him even though im still hurting.What should i do in this situation.

  13. Hello, I honestly don’t know where to start, my husband and I have been together 15yrs, we’ve been married for 8yrs and I found out on New Year’s Day that he’s having an affair with someone at his job. I don’t know how to forgive him. So many family and friends have been going thru infidelity around us. We’ve talked about their situations and how that would never be us, then I see a text message of him asking another women not to leave him. He says it was nothing and he only had sex with her 2 times, however he’s lying about everything. I ask what’s her name he told me 1 name then I found out it was another, am I the only wife who wants to know EVERYTHING, I want to know the when, how, why, where. Once he told me (what he wants me to know because he’s still lying) I just can’t see myself acting like a crazy wife (going thru phones, etc…) I think I would be able to forgive him if it was a 1 night fling but the fact that it’s a women at his job where he goes to everyday bothers me. This is our 1st time going thru this and I don’t want to go thru it again, is the saying true once a cheater will always be a cheater? There’s so much I would like to say, however I would need a book to finish. All in all, I love my husband we have created a life a family together and I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

  14. It is not easy to getting dicrvoe. It will take many hard steps and feeling guilty to shame and angry. dating is hope to find someone which you did not find in your marriage who can understands you make you smile, happy, enjoy each others company and possibly complete other half which you lost for years ago.Dating and meeting men are so difficult and hard to find true gentleman these days. it does not mean that you will not have hard bumps on the road. I would take my time to observe and listen and watch the manners of the person for a long time to introduce to my children. I would be careful to compare former husband to new comers in front of my family and children. I would never complaint the my past experiences to new person. I would be financially safe and secure. I would not accept immediate dinner dates but rather have a lunch dates for a while and lunch dates will be perfect to find out many things about men. I would not have long distance trips with person which it may backfire at you in the future unless you trust and comfortable, confidence in your heart that he is the person you can have a great chemistry and loving friendship and relationship and love and laughter and smile on your face and heart. I wish that new year bring you and family and children much happiness.. sincerely

  15. Hello, I have tried almost everything for 18 months now. I am feeling hopeless. First we tried couples counselling, but that was useless since she was involved with another man at the time, so obviously she wasn’t ready, since then she had personal counselling, also while involved so that didn’t work, then after six months she appeared ready to work on it, so we tried a Gottman workshop, that was helpful, but the results didn’t work since we didn’t keep up with it. She is only half trying, not willing to let go of her resentment towards me for not showing her enough (she claims any) affection for years, and not having enough sex. We just last weekend had a bad sexual experience, since I have so much anxiety I am having issues with errections and finishing too quick because my wife places such a high importance on having sex, I am not handling it well because I am scared. That being said, she got VERY angry with me this weekend and told me she can’t figure out why I care so much now! Its been 18 months where I have shown her how much I care but she still can’t get beyond it. I am losing all hope.

    I am the one reading the books, making all the effort while she just does nothing to make it better.

    When is it time to just give up? I feel like she is scared to separate and is making so that I have to take the steps to separate, so she can blame me.

    We have two very young kids and I am scared to put them through the pain of a lifetime of conflict that a divorce will present.

    Should I move on?

  16. Hello. I have married for 5years.
    I am Korean and my husband is American.
    We had lived in China or 4years. But we had a lot of arguments for 4 years. And we went back to Korea. But our relationship became worse.
    And I am pregant for 8 months. We were seperated since he knew i was pregant because we had a huge argument at that time.
    And he left home saying that he wanted to get counseling in U.S.A in July. But he is in Canada now.
    And he shut all connection with me. I saw his SNS and found out he has a girlfriend who is chinese canadian.
    I don;t know if there is hope….

  17. Hello. Iam not sure if there is any hope for my marriage. I met my husband during my studies in Italy. I am Iranian, I fell in love with him in a difficult moment of my life. I needed some support to finish my studies and he offer me to live with him. He wasn’t in love with me in the first place but he had a great sense of protection toward me. After I finished my studies I went back home. I had a heartbreaking breakup with him. I always loved him very much but I never felt that is the same for him. He asked me then to move to his country ( China) and then I married him. Our marriage is not an easy one, from our cultural differences to my language issues that make me independent to him for almost all social activities. I suffer too,
    I was very independent person before moving to China, where I live, knowing two languages is not helping me to fully take care of myself. From the beginning, I always expressed my wish to live somewhere else that I can be independent. To move to the other countries and recently even to the bigger cities,

    But without any success. In the end I found out that he will not do any change in his planes. He is teaching in the university and he want to stay and follow all his promotional steps to the end. Then our worst problem show’s up. I’m infertile. Having a baby is not an easy task since I’m 37 with several fertility issues. Months ago, both of us were exhausted from my hospital checks. I should also confess that I never planed to live all my life in China. I am very ambitious and wasting my life here without job after getting master degree with all sacrifices that I made is destroying me. But,

    I still love him and I believe that in a better circumstances we can be happy. Even now we have a lot of fun together. most of our days are peaceful and before the day that he told me.. He want divorce. At the bed we never had any problem.

    He is tired, like me,
    I can understand him. He is a good man and he is very busy with his job and the baby issues is on the top of the list for our divorce even he doesn’t want to admit it but, can be a long process without success and he is impatient to became a father. He want his own kids and I cannot blame him.
    This last reason should be enough for me to let him go but is not easy. It will be a drastic change in my life, leaving him (my love) definitely.

    He is my only family close to me in these last several years and he is my best friend.

    I don’t like to be selfish, if he doesn’t love me I feel that since I still love him so much then I should let him go and give him a chance to have a new family with kids. I want him to be happy but since still he cares about me I don’t want to misinterpret him and his kindness to love. I want to be sure. He already told me that he see you as a friend, nothing more but, because everything changed after our last fight, I cannot fully believe it.
    Is months that we didn’t have sex but we still sleep together. he let me a bit to huge him or during sleep we are close but I can feel that is not the same like before. He doesn’t want to hurt me but the love seems gone. I know that he doesn’t have any other women but, that doesn’t change anything.

    • Hi Giulia, Thank you for your willingness to share you story. I can hear the love you have for him and the hurt in the words you’ve written. You have some big decisions to make including whether to fight for your marriage. If having someone to talk to and to guide you as you make these decisions would be helpful, please reach out to my office. There are no easy answers but I pray for wisdom and peace for you as you walk this path. Wishing you the best, Kim

  18. Currently we have a 4 month old daughter. The day of my 6 week checkup my husband decides to tell me he’s not happy anymore, things have changed and wants a divorce. We’ve been living in the same house but he sleeps on the couch. Nothing goes on between us, not even a hug or kiss anymore. I want to to hug and kiss him, but knowing that he wants a divorce makes me not do it. I asked him to leave if he wasn’t going to work on our marriage and he hasn’t left, but he tells me the only reason he’s still at the house is for our daughter.

    • Hi, Britni, I’m so sorry you’re going through this very tough time. The addition of a baby, what we think of as a very happy time, can also be stressful and trying and can bring problems to the forefront – sometimes, problems that you weren’t even aware of. Simply adjusting to the changes can be very hard on both parents, and, unfortunately, some people don’t always adjust well. It can be hard on even the strongest marriages. If you’d like some help, support, and guidance while walking this path and fighting for your marriage, we would like to help you. Just contact our office. Wishing you the best, Kim

  19. My wife was in a dark place and felt she communicated that, went and reconnected with an old boy and cheated on me. She never admitted and it caused tons of trust issues, i decided to get over it and that was tough and noticed by her even though our business grew and we had ups and downs. a year and a half later she did it over and over with the same person. Said it was all emotional. Then he left,

  20. Right after this she met someone for networking and that let to her seeking attention elsewhere again this holiday that went too far and now shes confused and now wants out, and a divorce, no marrage and to find her again. Shes not her anymore. I was done but then i believed fight.

    • The reason i changed was I realized what was wrong and what got us here. She made her own decisions but i could not ignore the hardened heart i saw. She left finally.

  21. I am currently in situation where my wife no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. We have been together since we were 15 and have had a lot of ups and downs ( a lot more ups) we have always dealt with these together and have always came back stronger for it. I have managed to push her away though. I have been incredibly insecure when she has been out drinking with her girlfriends, to the point where I worry so much that I get over emotional. Not angry but upset. My wife has just kind of went along with it and the last time it happened, told me if it happened again, she was done. It happened again about 6 weeks ago. Since then I have been attending counselling to deal with my issues and have been told I may have a mild personality disorder. In the first couple of weeks I moved out of our home because my wife asked for space. I gave her the space and then I moved back home but she moved out, telling me she still needed time. Since then we have had a number of conversations, to start with she said divorce was a bit severe, then it was I love you but I’m not in love with you. Then she told me she wanted to split up permanently and then back tracked when I suggested how good we are together and we joked about things. Then we had a row and she said I that her feelings have changed and I would just have to deal with it. Then she had said “I have been advised about legal separation” on the back of an argument. She is constantly telling me she just doesn’t care and that she hasn’t missed me whilst we have been separated. Then just a couple of days ago, she appeared at the house and was angry, saying we had to sort out our finances because she feels trapped and wants to find her own place to live. I managed to calm her down and then we had another conversation mainly about money. At the end of the convo I apologised for everything that I had done and said I don’t believe you don’t love me. She responded by saying “it isn’t that I don’t love you”. Since then we have spoke a couple of times just general chat about work and other things. I have tried to make her laugh (not too hard) but she is still being quite unresponsive. We have an event on Sunday that we are both attending and I am not sure how to approach it. Should I try to talk to her? Chat her up? Flirt? I just don’t where this is heading. All our family and friends seem to think that it isn’t the end for us and I believe that too. I feel like my wife is rushing her decisions based on her anger (this is her usual way of dealing with hurt). My wife and I are not religious people and my wife doesn’t want to attend counselling with me. I am fully committed to changing myself and saving my marriage, I am just lost as to how to go about saving it. This is the first major hurdle my wife and I have hit in our married life and she is just giving up. Said she doesn’t have the energy to fight for it. I hope someone can help me, I am willing to put in the work I just need some guidance because there is a lot out there, just don’t know who is right or wrong.

    • Kiel, Thanks for taking the time to share your heart here. I’ve asked one of my coaches to reach out to you today. The consultation is free and will give you a chance to see for yourself how we can help you. Wishing you the best. Kim

  22. Frankly I don’t get it; SO MANY “help” books, web sites and therapists working to keep a marriage going. But is it REALLY supposed to be this way? Is what’s “meant to be” supposed to be SO hard? If we were meant to be married, wouldn’t it be easy? I don’t understand all the effort to convince one to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. If a marriage is not EASY AND FUN than it isn’t worth it. IMO.

    • Hi Brian. Your view on marriage – that it should be easy and fun – is a commonly held one. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of reality in that viewpoint and it’s also one of the reason divorce rates are what they are. We give up when it’s not easy. But why would marriage be easy? You take two people with different life experiences, opinions, viewpoints, and expectations and task them with building a life together that is mutually satisfying. Throw in “life” and you have a recipe not for ‘easy’ or ‘fun’ but for WORK. Marriage does take work. And for most of us, A LOT of work. But that doesn’t mean that there is no fun or enjoyment derived from a marriage. In fact, my experience has been, the more work you put in it, the more rewarding it can be. My hope is that you experience a relationship that is worth the work it takes to make it a good one. All my best, Kim.

      • That is something that drives me so crazy is that not a lot of people commit to anything anymore… it doesn’t work for them in a minute and they move on… troubles happen, forget it… well, marriage is not supposed to be that. Not what I agreed to. My husband’s mom died and he found comfort in someone from high school who’s dad died days prior to mom. He too is not “in love” with me anymore and he has found a MILLION reasons why I am so horrible and have been so horrible for years … sometimes 10 years, sometimes the last 5, sometimes a few years… which is it? It is none of the above. It is something that changed and drove him to mid-life crisis. 22 years together and 20 years married… my heart is broken. It has been 7 months since I found out and he left. No sight of reconcile although dummy me is still open to it. I have exhausted EVERYTHING I know to do except stay away, ignore it all and try to move on. I can’t move ON… I can just barely move but that is what I am doing. I hurt, a lot.

  23. Thanks for pointing out that there’s no immediate relief if you choose to get a divorce but that the pay off can be a lot more rewarding if you stick together. My husband and I haven’t been communicating very well lately, and we’re both kinds of just tired. But maybe if we get marriage counseling, we’ll be able to work through all of that and get back to what we had before.

  24. Thanks for emailing this article out today. It was just what I needed to hear at just the right time. I’ve been feeling hopeless and like giving up because my wife of 16 years left three months ago, refuses to go to counseling, and is pushing towards divorce full speed ahead. I don’t want to give up on the marriage yet, so your words were especially encouraging to me today. Thank you!

  25. I have been fighting for us for almost five years. (23 years in 2019) We were 1 day from the final divorce decree when we both went to the courthouse and stopped it, a miracle, right! Unfortunately my mouth gets in my way and she left me 6 months ago, totally my bad.
    Thank you for your 5 reasons to fight for marriage. This is both of ours second marriage and just the thought of div….( I can’t even say/print it) makes me feel like just a looser. Thank you for reminding me that she is hurting just like me, not that I wish that on her.
    We are finally beginning to communicate by phone and text messages again, about 1 month now. She has even stopped snareling at me.
    Never give up, never surrender.

  26. Hi,

    So I’m going into 7 year of marriage, we have no kids. But myself and my wife suffered from a miscarriage about 1.5 years ago, things seemed to be okay and she seemed strong through that time. Then about April last year, things went haywire and she started asking for a divorce, so I tried fighting really hard for our marriage. I read 3 – 4 marriage books, started fixing my faults started being extremely good to her. I have never cheated on her but have had mistakes on not communicating with her or getting angry with her pretty often when she would bring up complaints to me. I have acknowledged all those things with her, and she acknowledged I changed a lot, but she can forgive me, but not forget the past, as in she can’t forgive me for not being support through the miscarriage – which she never communicated to me.

    We are now separated and she moved in with her parents to figure out 1) if she will be happy alone 2) see if the environment was affecting her.

    I believe she is suffering from depression since the miscarriage and is now blaming me for every single problem in the marriage. She says stuff like she never loved me from day 1 and that we are not compatible for each other. She says she has run out of patience with me and her parents, she says no one can change her decision to want a divorce.

    I feel like giving up on this marriage as well. She has been so disrespectful, mean and extremely harsh with me. Shows no affection, shows no love, is really hasty with me and becomes frustrated at anything I say to her. She says she is done explaining why to everyone. I bought us a new house this year, which we renovated from A – Z to every specification she wanted. I bought her gifts, I took her out on short trips etc. I have tried to do everything and anything for her. Over the past 3 weeks I had completely backed off and let her be, but today her older cousin told me to send her a message of love. But she replied back saying she is done with all this and take this emotions anymore.

    I did not respond since and am confused as to whether I should completely give up on this marriage as she has no feelings for me and does not love me anymore.


  27. i wasn’t really sure about this, but i was really desperate that i had to do all that that the spell caster asked me. it was on the fiftieth day at 3pm on friday, i had a knock on the door and to my greatest surprise, it was my boyfriend, the first thing he said was that he has forgiven me and he will never leave me again, ever. Am so full of joy for what this spell caster have done for me, that i want the world to benefit from this. if you need her help you can reach her on (Dr.mack201) for any thing on relationship or anything you can think of for she is very powerful and so real.

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