Your Spouse Wants a Divorce. You Want to Stay Married. Now What?

SpouseWantsDivorceYouDont - EWL

I hear it often.

“My spouse wants a divorce, but I don’t.  What should I do?”

Are you in a marriage you want to save but your spouse is ready to call it quits?

You aren’t alone.

Just before a couple separates, one partner usually gets to a place where they are fed up.

He/she is done talking.

They don’t want to work it out.

For them, it is over.

But the other partner wants to save the marriage.

They see their world falling apart and they begin to panic. For them, it is time to fight harder.  But invariably, they do all the wrong things to try and save the marriage.  In their panic and desperation, they cannot see how their actions are pushing their partner even further away.

It is human nature to want to pursue what you need and want.  But sometimes, you have to act opposite to your instincts in order to get what you want.

If you want to try & save your marriage, this is the time for you to start making drastic changes.

There are no guarantees, and you have to remember that you cannot control the decisions your partner makes, but I’ve seen amazing things happen when one person in the marriage begins making positive changes.

Please understand and remember that these are actions YOU need to take.

1.  The worst thing you can do at this point is to beg your spouse to stay.

In your panic, you may be crying and pleading for them to change their mind.  You may be promising to change everything about yourself they don’t like.  But this isn’t appealing.  It comes across as pathetic.

It NEVER works in your favor!  If your spouse says they want out, they may have been mentally preparing themselves for a long time…often years. Their response to your begging is probably going to be “too little too late” and it solidifies their resolve to end the marriage. This isn’t the time to push for marriage counseling if your partner is resistant to the idea.

However, don’t agree to leave the house if your spouse asks you. Be kind in your refusal but it gets much harder to save the marriage when one of you moves out.  You can’t stop your spouse from leaving, but do not offer to be the one who moves out first.

2. Stop doing things to make it worse.

Sounds simple, but for you to really grasp this concept you have to be willing to understand what role you play in the problems your marriage is experiencing.

If you have been having affairs, STOP NOW.

If you have been critical and complaining.  STOP NOW.

If you have been blowing up and losing your temper, STOP NOW.

If your response to reading this is “But what about when he/she does……” put your focus back on saving the marriage not on who is at fault. This isn’t the time to get angry and start blaming.

If you want to save your marriage, you better be prepared to focus only on how you contributed to the breakup…for now.

Remember, your spouse is done talking.  You have to start changing you.  It’s time to take a personal inventory of your flaws.

This can be a particularly painful process and you may need to see a counselor/coach to help you figure this out but don’t hesitate to do this.

Counseling is cheaper than divorce.

Since you have little control over your spouse’s behavior, your job is understand your own behavior and stop doing whatever is damaging the relationship.

3. Stop putting pressure on your spouse.

It is likely you are asking your spouse to try “one more time”.  You are probably asking them to go to counseling.

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, you may be spying or tracking their social media.  Stop NOW!

If your goal is to save the marriage, you are going to have to back off all the places you are pressing.

If your goal is to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries, you are probably going to be divorced.  I promise…there will be a time for this but it isn’t now.  Your spouse is already feeling trapped.  Any attempt you make to change him/her will be interpreted as “smothering”.

This isn’t the time to make any demands.

4. Understand how your behavior has affected your spouse & caused them to want a divorce

Again, I caution you to avoid blaming.  It is never entirely your fault when a marriage goes wrong, but your objective isn’t to be proven right.

It is to save your marriage.

At some point, you have said or done things that have been hurtful to your spouse.  It’s time to own it.

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes as much as possible.  What did they experience when you behaved the way you did?  Focus on their pain and loneliness. Talk to a counselor/coach who can help you get a better understanding of your actions and their consequences.

5. If your spouse wants to work on the marriage instead of heading straight for divorce, get professional help.

This isn’t the time to stick your head in the sand and hope things will improve.

You are going to cause more damage if you make a bunch of promises to change things but don’t seek out some professional help to make sure those changes stick.

You will invariably fall back into old patterns.

Invest in counseling or coaching to help you put healthy habits in place that will keep your relationship healthy and thriving.

Even if you have tried counseling before and felt it was a waste of time, you can’t afford to give up.   I know from personal experience that it works.  Read my story here.

*******For Part 2 of this blog post click here.

For more free resources and info on how to get help with this situation, download the free ebook that gives a much more detailed list of what to do when your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t.  Or buy the Re-Engage Toolkit that will teach you exactly how to save your marriage!

121 thoughts on “Your Spouse Wants a Divorce. You Want to Stay Married. Now What?

  1. This article hits home for me. Two days ago my husband of 2 years told me that he loves me but he isn’t in love with me and that it wasn’t enough. He would never give me what I need or want and he has no desire to. He is checked out of this marriage completely, and wants no part in reconciliation. After self examination I confessed and asked forgiveness for not being the wife I should have been. A lot of the way he feels if not all of it is a direct result of my lack of knowledge and lack of effort. After telling him that and being honest he told me that we would take this day by day and see what happens. He’s willing to let me try giving 110% before we shut the book for good. I had to be honest and get a feel for where he was at so I told him we were offered counselling. He didn’t want to do any counselling. I told him, “I’m not going to try to make you. I’m just letting you know the option us there if you want it. Whatever you decide is up to you. For me, I am taking the counselling because I need to fix things within myself. If I’m doing to do this 110%, I’m going to take any opportunity to better myself and be the woman God has called me to be.” after saying that, his reply was “I will listen to counselling but it’s no use it won’t change how I feel.” I’m counting on God to prove him wrong. It’s not about being right. It’s about being in unity. Two things that are a huge issue for us, that I fear we’ll never be able to compromise on, is I want to move back to my home province and have children and he will never move back there and he says he will never give me children. He also told me that he was forced into marrying me, which is not true. No one pressured him. I urged him to take more time and be certain that it was what he wanted.. He says he never wanted children, never wanted to marry me and hasn’t felt any love for me since the wedding. he has lied to me for the almost 5 years we’ve been together, telling me and acting like he loves me and wants children with me. still love him and there is no doubt that God can bring us through this. I know that God can change his mind and his heart. I also know that God can soften him up to having children. On the same note, am I trying to force open a door that God Wants closed? Because of my convictions on divorce, I can’t do it. I can’t agree to divorce. I don’t take these vows lightly and I will lot be able to find love and remarry and have children and have a clean conscience before God if we divorce. I downloaded the ebook to try to save this marriage. I am grasping at loose ends right now. I would like some advice on how I can win his love back. What exactly should I do and what exactly should I avoid doing? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

      • I need help! I Met my wife after getting out of active duty Army she was 17 I was 22. We were best friends and I moved her in within 2 weeks of dating and gave her everything I had said its all ours. We had our son 1 1/2 into our relationship. She wanted to breast feed for a year ( 1 1/2 years later it was done) I took that and need to work more (80 hrs week) I did everything I could to support everything on my own like I did before our son but now we had him and a new car new place lots of extra bills so I did side jobs on my only day off anyth in to support my family she said she appreciated it. But with me always gone and her stuck at home and her family was no help to her not around at all and my family was in another state ahe became depressed I urged her to get any job to get out in the world and use the money on herself hair nails cloths, she refused because she was to good to work at a deli or any basic job. I didn’t push it I didn’t know what to do other then try to make more money 80hrs a week physical labor I was dead when I’d get home and felt my son didn’t even know me as dad. Well we did that for 2 years and survived but were noth never went out nothing then she pushed to go out so we started going out with her friend from when she was little and her boyfriend and we all got along and met other people and we both enjoyed it. I realized all these guys made tons of money and didn’t work like me turns out they were all car salesmen so I started picking brains and got a job as a car salesmen in hopes to work less and make a lit more money. My first month my wife was very supportive and helped me as much as she could. I made 4k got top deal of the month and the offsite sale and felt confident it would only get Better. Then my wife came from left field and said I was goingto make a lot of money and leave her which I would never do I wanted to enjoy life together and be able to go out to eat go ob vacations enjoy life together make her smile. So my 2nd month she stopped being supportive and became a huge distraction while I was at work I couldn’t focus all I want worried about was trying to make her happy and fix my hoke problems needless to say I made minimum wage check that month and the next we got evicted and thats on me in her eyes when IIll I needed was her support knowing she was behind me motivated me allowing me to focus at work instead we fought like everyday and it was breaking my heart and I wasn’t selling cars. We then got a new place her 18 year old sister move in my wife is 21 now. Next thing I knew it was them to vs me when I picked her up out o a family that. Always attacked eachothr and hurt each other a family that didn’t know how to forgive evem there own family over little reasons and wouldn’t talk over little things like missing thanksgiving mywife didn’t talk to her aunt until next thanksgiving when I had to talk her into letting it go its family. Well to get to the seseparation my wife and her sister were slowly Haiti me more and more and I was making no money at work and we almost lost another place. They threatend to call the police on my for domestic violence and I said go ahead I’ve done nothing and they said its to women 21/18 verse me (26)an army combat vet with PTSD the third time they made this threat I left went to my parents house with my son. My wife took that as I was leaving her and was done when in all actually I want away from the situation at the time. I was staying at my parents begging my wife to just let me come home she said no you left. She then proceeded to ask me about money for the bills I then again asked to come home she said no so I said I cant pay the bills there I have to figure out where I would live since I was no longer. allowed to come home (we lived in reno my parents 30-40miles away) I was in pain everything I’d worked for was in that house including my wife and son. My parents then went out of town for a week and I was completely alone started to drink myself to sleep and I was just an occasional drinker but I didnt know what else to do to make the pain of the thought of losing my family was unbearable. My wife then chose to be a stripper against my wishes but she was determined ro do it my theory shes making good money but is no longer around our son and her sister is raising my son. I ended up getting a dui sep 1st and that set my wife into threating divorce when the whole time we were seperated I was telling her I need her I need to come home im going the wrong way fast being alone that I need my family back. Now I have a 6 month live in rehab I have to start in the middle of October I messed up but spent 10 days in jail thinking I was going to be in jail for 4-65 months and wouldn’t be able to be around my son or support him and lose our health insurance I saw no way out I was so depressed and wanted to quit, mt parents brought my son to visit me my wife refused. See in my son through the glass broke me as a man I needed to talk to my wife my Parents made that happen when we talked on the phone she told me its over im divorcing you and I said dont quit so quick we dont want to split time with BEAR our son and she said were not that I’d be lucky to get visitation whenever I got out. Thatl broke me more I called her the next day to apologize for everything and to beg her not to take my son from me we ended up talking a lot more in the end she wasn’t going to jump to divorce so fast and told me she loved me. I had court the next day I was going to plead guilty and take my punishment but after ending on a positive note with her I began to fight for any other route then being in jail and no good to anyone got the live in rehab in reno can still work keep health insure see my son more and keep health insurance. I got bailed it called my wife to tell her she then in turn went off on me like she wanted me to stay in and wouldn’t let me see my.son even with my mom there. I then got off the phone to avoid more fight and her messing with my head again and stayed positive and am trying to rebuild everything. My wife’had nothing in her eyes anymore just cold and I could see it and it scared me she wasnt the girl I fell in love with and Is also a stripper. I later talked to her alone in person and she told me she was numb like she was in a dream shes just going through the motions and we talked.more aggreed to do marriage counseling then she spent time around her sister and other family and now wants to do family counseling on ways to make it easy on our son to split time she keeps going back in forth on me and her divorce or work it out and its breaking me down but I stay positive and want to do counseling if at least to get my wife back to herself divorce or not I dont want to leave her in the current emotionless state I care about her and feel she truly needs professional help but worded it as we need counseling which we do together and on our own I know im not perfect and I was in that emotionless state before jail were I did a lot of thinking and put my life in perspective realizing life is not going to be good at all without my family and id do anything to keep it together. Since then I’ve been doing everything I can to change myself my flaws and recognize my mistakes. My wife will not do that at all and blames me for it all she has no part in it in her head. She also blames me for her being a baby sitter to our son and the fact the past 2-3 years she did nothing to improve herself or make a effort to work like I was supposed to let her be a stripper said she good to be a waitress at a big casino but not to good to be a stripperm I accepted her choice to strip but knowing what she’s and not coming home to me is hurting me so much. I still wear my wedding ring she does not havent seen it forever then yesterday she told me I love you first (1st time in what feels like a year) I need help my wife is still in that cold hearted zombie it comes out sometimes but its to much back in forth and I cant stand to see that Blank look in her eyes. She also told me people her age (21) are explorin and finding out who they are what they want to do and what, i sad ya people your age dont haveva 2 1/2 year lease respond advice. Anything I dont want to give up on her. Also now That shes making good money she the one talking about leaving me like im just the back HELP HELP please my family I can’t the shape she’s in.

      • My husband of two years we had a rough start in marriage but we always got through anything he always deeply loved me and I have always deeply loved him about a month ago he went and cheated i begged him after going on a crazy tantrum to stay well I moved out and now I want to fix our marriage and he doesnt he wants more time he still seeing the girl he tells me he doesnt want to loose what we have and he misses me and loves me but not the same way as he did what should I do Im willing to do anything to fix it he still wants to talk and see each other as friends

        • Cameron, this sounds like a classic case of ‘wanting your cake and eating it too’! Your husband wants his mistress but hopes his wife (you) will hang around too. As long as you let it work that way, it will. If your marriage is important to you and more importantly, you want a healthy marriage, you will have to take a stand and not accept his behavior. He’s not respecting you and therefore you must respect yourself enough to not take it. I’d love for you to read my post on boundaries and ultimatums and then call us for a free coaching consultation so we can show you how we can help. I’m rooting for you! Kim

    • This is very much like my situation. Any advice you can offer me? My husband of 3 years told me last week that he does not love me anymore and left the house to stay with a friend. I met him last week to agree to separate but not divorce. I love him very much and would love nothing more than for him to come home. We did not set any boundaries for our separation. Should we have? And how do go about approaching him now? I miss him terribly, but can also recognise what I was not giving him emotionally.

      • In my opinion, it’s better to accept reality and move on. What’s the point in trying to force someone to stay in a marriage when they want out. That’s what I did. I moved on and never looked back. I get annoyed at others who cling on and drag out the misery instead of letting go. If you’re not wanted, you can’t force someone to be with you against their will. Keep a mature attitude and some self respect. A marriage is only successful when both involved feel the same. A one sided relationship never works. I want to tell all the moaning cling-ons to wake up and smell the coffee. You only live once and there’s no point hanging on to misery!

        • GE,
          I certainly understand your annoyance at those who appear to “cling” on when it would seem better for them to let go. And you are right, you cannot force anyone to be with you. But all long term relationships go through periods of detachment and disinterest. There is no shame in fighting for your relationship when your partner wants out. In fact, it is often the bravest choice and requires an immense amount of patience and stamina. But there is a way to do it that absolutely maintains self-respect. Clinging is the worst thing you can do. That’s why we coach and teach and actually do facilitate many reconciliations where both partners WANT to be together again.

          • My wife of 13 years recently told me she doesn’t want to be with me, we live together and have 3 kids. I have been doing a lot wrong like begging pleading telling her I’m worth it, today I’m trying to role with it, let her go through what ever it is, let her know I’m here and waiting, being nice and trying to be friends, it’s hard it’s been a month, she goes out, a lot of bathroom texting and late night secret phone calls , and dresses in super sexy outfits, and very very short shorts that let you see everything. I’m there it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, but still I’m going to try . Even though everybody else says go. As I told her I’m here, I hope it a phase or midlife crisis, or maybe she is seeing someone, hopefully she comes back, but if I don’t try wait it out , it will be the biggest mistake.
            If a woman is your sole mate and true love, it’s more manly to fight for than just give up, on the thing you want the most, and it’s harder to stay than just go

          • Ben, I’m a little later replying to you than I wish, but I wanted you to know that I did read your comment. I can only imagine how rough this season has been for you. Your wife is acting out and it’s got to be tough to watch. I’m all about fighting for your relationship, but I’m going to challenge you to change your approach. A begging, pleading spouse who is not challenging her on her inappropriate behavior is not likely to change your wife’s current course. She has no reason to change. She’s in control of you and her situation. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to download the free ebook on my website. That’s a good place to start in terms of what to do/not to do as you work to rescue your marriage. And then next, I hope you’ll consider calling my office and requesting to work with one of my coaches. The work in front of you is not work for the weary, but there are things you can do to give your marriage the best chance at restoration. Wishing you the best, Kim

    • I would love to talk to Sarah to find out whether or not her marriage was saved or not. Her story is almost identical to mine.

    • Im so torn i found the evidence if myhusbands affair he wont admit anything and wint donanuthing to save our marriage I blame my self for not being thier emotionally and not changing my bad ways. I still want to work it out. but he says he needs time and i know in my heart he has found someone else. Please help i dont w ant to be with someone thaybhas told me is not wiling to try bit i still love him..

      • Blanca, we can help you. Please call our office to get set up for a free consultation with one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches. They’ll be able to give you an idea of how they can help you through this time.
        TL for Kim

  2. My husband told me he wants a divorce and needed space so I left the house and moved in with my mom. I feel its too late because I left.

    • Maria…there is no way we can tell you if it is too late. We can tell you that we have seen marriages saved even after someone moves out. Only you can decide when it is time to stop fighting.

  3. My wife of 6 going on seven up and took our two small girls 5 and 3. I got the papers she was filling for divorce. This is not what I want. I love her and believe in the induration of one man and one woman. I need help and want to save this marriage. I need someone to talk to her. Please help!!

  4. My husband told me he wants a divorce. He said he still loves me, but he can’t live like this anymore. When I tried talking to him, he started bringing up our old fights and all the times I hurt him. He doesn’t believe I can change. He said there is nothing I can do to change his mind. Please help me!

    • Sara
      Your husband doesn’t want to hear WORDS…he needs to see action. Show him you can change. We have articles here on our blog that give you help with this and what your next steps need to be. You can also work with one of our coaches. Call us! 972-441-4432.

      • Similar to my situation too. My husband of 10 years moved out 5 weeks ago. Says he’s tired of all the fighting and arguing. Our once very active sex love had become almost non-existent due to the fighting. He also stays very busy with his projects and leaves little time for me. I wish I had tried harder to be more romantic. We have both hired attorneys but nothing has been filed yet. I miss him but he doesn’t act like he misses me at all…

  5. We are still living together, but in separate rooms. My wife believes i can change and encourages it, but is already set on divorce, calculating the logistics and financials. We have no kids, we are renting, the only thing slowing down the process is our tight budget situation and hefty bills relating to moving out. She tells me she can’t take the risk of giving me another chance, because she is certain of an emotional breakdown if things fail again. My past behavior (poor communication/not listening) has maxed out her emotional capacity and i’ve broken her heart too many times w/ hurtful words. When her mind is made up, it is set in stone, this is her personality. She said no to marriage counselling, is already “done” with me in her heart, and has moved on to the next phase in her mind. What else can I do??

    • Jack,

      My only advice is to love her. Remind her why she fell in love with you. Start small and show her that you will make an effort and you are not giving up. Respect her wishes is she needs some space do not smother her but love her. Do the things that make her happy. Hopefully that can lead into the conversation of working on the marriage. Sometimes a woman’s mind can be changed if it is done correctly.

  6. Hi..My wife is staying with her parents from the last 6 months and is not coming back and she now wants a divorce. It was a love marriage and we do have a small fight 6 mnts back after which she register a police complaint on me and my parents which was influence by her parents. Her father was against the marriage and now ater marriage he is influencing her daughter to leave me and get a divorce, but she is not giving me divorce as i told them to file a divorce in family court. Nor she is divorcing me and neither she is coming back. Please advise me whats needs to be done as i am getting frustrated day by day

    • Sumeet,
      I can’t really tell you what needs to be done…more than the advice already on this site. Please call our coaches for a customized plan for you.

  7. My husband of 28 years said he wanted a divorce to me while we were taking our son to his collage his freshman year. He has done so many hurtful things to me including meeting another woman before he left our home and then publically began dating her two months after moving out of our home. Three years later and the divorce behind me I can honestly say thay I am so happy he left and freed me from a loveless marriage. My future is mine and he and his girlfriend have no part in my life. I am very happy that he is happy. And now I move onto a much better life with joy.

  8. My husband told me two.days ago that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He said he is only in this for our son and baby on the way. He told me that he will cheat on me until Ii leave him and that he has no problem having things be over since he doesnt want to be married. I love my husband very much and I want to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage. He says that he wants to be able to go out and do his own thing and have me do the same. That I am to negative and love drama but I have just been depressed. I asked him of we can go to counciling and he agreed but doesnt will work. I really hope that we can fix our marriage. We have been together for 7 1/2 years and married for 4 1/2. I think he made a very rash decision and is trying to push me away from his stress. He is stressed about his job, him not having a better paying job, a better education, his family, and we have been fighting a lot about finance. Our biggest issue is that we dont listen to one another. I really hope someone can help me. Thank you in advance.

    • Hi Heather, It sounds like it’s time to set some boundaries in the relationship! We can get you partnered with one of our coaches that you can help you establish healthy boundaries and learn to communicate with your husband in the way he is most likely to respond favorably. Please give us a call. 972-429-4733

      • My husband of 17 months stopped communicating with me. He wouldn’t allow me to communicate with him or touch him. He had just started doing things for me, we have been together for 25 years and married 17 years we broke up got back together and got married . My husband is a non repentant adulterer he seems to have no sorrow no shame but wants to start having sex again I tell him I can’t bounce like that and that what he did was a big thing he acts as if nothing happened but he won’t hang around to hear why I won’t make his wish my command. Am I wrong to refuse his advances for sex I have asked is he still seeing her I don’t get a straight answer. He is a control freak he had been controlling me for years I kept trying until I broke up a big part of his hold on me we still live in the same house but we are separate and very unequal he said that he does not want to foster a relationship with me his girlfriend calls him and he calls her I said wait until you get with her not while you are here I know its her because she gives her name when he asks. I have been told to pray and ask God to fix marriage and should I stay in the marriage. I lovey husband and want to keepy marriage, but my husband is very easily persuaded away from me by the wrong people. Help!

  9. My husband told me 2 months ago he wanted a divorce. That I forced him into being married. He claims that we fight all the time. He stopped talking to me all together for about a month. Then I seen him breaking down. I love him very much and we are at least talking. We have children together so with him not talking to me, was very difficult. But, he is claiming that we need to get a divorce because he will never be able to get pass me “forcing” him to get married. That if we can grow as friends again, then we can be life partners. If I don’t see it the way he does, then we were never meant to be together. I am at a lost.

    • Ashley, it sounds like your husband is “rewriting history”. We talk about this in the Re-Engage Toolkit. Check it out on the products page. It tells you how to deal with this behavior!

      All the best,

    • Yep, mine did the sudden announcement thing, that he no longer wanted to be married. After my initial shock, I decided to divorce him and I haven’t looked back. It was the best thing I ever did. There’s no point wasting your life on a person who isn’t on the same page.

  10. My husband told me he wants a divorce.. This past February he said he wasn’t happy in our marriage, thought he was addicted to porn and needed to talk to someone. We’ve been separated since August after I found out he had an affair. We went to a few counseling sessions and I’ve asked him to come back home. He said if he came back it had to be for me, not just our daughter and he wanted it to be permanent. He feels that we are too incompatible to be happy long term, the things I need aren’t natural to him and vice versa. He feels he can’t be his true self with me. He says he resents me and seems emotionless when he speaks to me. During a conversation this past weekend I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. Then said wanting one and having it be possible are two different things. I dont want a divorce. I love him and recognize my part in the breakdowns in our relationship. We’ve been married for 7 1/2 years but together (off and on) for 20 years. Im not
    sure what to do now. Any feedback would be appreciated.

    • Marilyn! Call us! We have an expert who deals with porn and sex addiction. We also can help guide you through what you need to do next! We can definitely help you with this!

    • Face it; he doesn’t want to be with you. He already had an affair and he’s addicted to porn. Who would want to be married to a man like that? Don’t be so weak and have some confidence in yourself because you don’t have to put up with a cheating addict. You and your daughter will be happier without the loser. I had a previous partner who was addicted to porn. I kept a close eye on the website history cache files. He always tried to deny it but admitted it and was furious when I showed him the evidence. He didn’t stop. He didn’t want to stop. I’m so glad I’m no longer with the pervert. He was a cheater too. You’re better off without someone like that. A leopard doesn’t change its spots……,..

  11. I was unemployed for 6months then everyday he keeps on asking me why I didn’t want to work. which is not true, I was looking for work passed some CV’s but no luck. I also stopped working because the nanny didn’t want to work so I have to stay home and take care of my baby. So everyday he would say things, hurtful things and he also said that he was forced into this marriage. What should I do?

  12. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married 4. When we first entered the relationship i was getting over an abusive one so my wall was up big time, I was very cold and mean to him and didnt show much love… he cheated on me. For the next few years there was constant lies from money, drugs, physical abuse anything and everything you can think of from him, and of course continuous cheating. I never really had the opportunity to forgive and move on since I was always in fear of getting hurt again. I never really learned to trust and respect him so it was hard to love him. The drugs and physical abuse has been long gone but now he is emotionally unavailable and keeps getting caught seeking out other women from dating sites to craigslist. He now wants to end the marriage. Says we have both been unhappy for a long time. Says he never feels good enough and that Im never happy. He says that he knows that his actions have made me feel the way I do but that since he has done so much damage its like his feelings dont matter because my feelings will always be more important. We are at the point and have been for some time where it is so easy for him to hurt me with his words and always wants to give up when things are going bad…. and he never says sorry. And Im constantly trying to get him to feel remorse for how he makes me feel which makes the situation worse. BUT HE NEVER COMMUNICATES. He shuts down completely and we never talk about and try to resolve issues, he just wants to brush them under the rub. On the rare occasion that he does talk to me about how he feels I try to understand. I apologize but he says it doesnt help. My husband says I complain about everything and that Im never happy. He says he doesnt have the fight in him anymore and that he is tired of hurting me and being hurt. He recently cheated again. A random person. Says he knows that I wont be able to move forward from it and that if he stays than it will be going back to square 1 and he cant do it. Says he knows that no matter what I dont deserve to be cheated on. That in the end it was his choice and that he should have left a long time ago. He says that the reason he cheats is that I make him feel that nothing he does is good enough and that he continues to try and take it and take it until he cant take it anymore and acts out in unhealthy ways to hurt me. please help

    • Nicole, it doesn’t matter how unhappy you’ve been or how much you have complained. Your didn’t cause your husband’s cheating nor did you deserve it. Your husband made some really bad choices and those are on him alone. But…there are things you can do to help the relationship. It may be time to do what we call “yank the chain”. I highly recommend you work with one of our expert coaches. I think we can help you take back some power in this relationship.


  13. About a month and a half ago, I told my husband of 3 and a half years that I wanted a divorce. We talked about it and agreed and started making the arrangements and plans. I soon realized that I had said it out of anger for things that have recently been happening in our marriage. I realized that I didn’t want to divorce and that I wanted to fix things but I had already bought a plane ticket home so we agreed to be separated while we try to figure things out. After about a month of me seemingly making mistake after mistake trying to convince him not to divorce me, he stopped talking to me until one day when he told me that he “just wants out of this marriage”. I love him with all my heart and want to do everything I can to fix our marriage. I’m set up for some individual counselling and also want to take care of some other health issues before he files for divorce and I lose my health insurance. However, in the heat of the moment when he told me he wants a divorce, I told him just to file and that I didn’t care about getting the counselling that I need. Of course now I’ve realized that I do need the counselling, especially now. Would it be so bad to ask him to hold off on the divorce for a few months while I take care of my health needs and at the same time, try to fix things on my end so that he will possibly change his mind about the divorce?

    • Laura…I would definitely ask him to hold off while you take care of your health needs. It buys you time and that is exactly what you need right now. I would also work with one of our coaches during this time.

  14. I was married for only 4-5 months to a woman in Switzerland, we had gotten to know each other through a mutual friend online and we liked the same kinds of music and art, so we connected right away. We met during the summer last year and we had a great time being together, I never felt this way about any woman in my life. I decided to ask if she would want to marry me. I figured it would be easier to see her again since she lived so far away. She said yes, and we got married in Nevada and decided to give it a month or so to get my finances in order and then move in with her. Everything seemed fine and nothing out of the ordinary, I had no job and her Nanny job she had decided to let her go, so we were unemployed but we had money and support from our families to get us by for a little while until I could learn the swiss language (german) I was doing quite well at it too! We were so close to getting the proper documents for me to live in Zurich when all of a sudden during Christmas, my wife decided that she did not want to be married anymore. I was taken aback by this and I had no idea what i was supposed to do. I had left the US to be with my wife and left behind my job, my car, most of my belongings and not to mention, all of my family members to be with her. I sacrificed so much of my life to make this work because i believed she really wanted this. I thought she would never do something like this to me so fast. She admitted to me just before New Years that she felt unhappy with marrying me so fast like we did. I remember asking her so many times to make sure she wanted this, and instead of telling me to wait, she decided to marry me anyway despite all I had sacrificed for this new life i thought we wanted together.. She won’t tell me much about why she doesn’t want this relationship with me, I’ve heard a few different reasons, but no solid answer.. she tells me I’m ‘too soft’ of a person, she tells me she felt pressured into this marriage, she has told me she doesn’t feel ready for this responsibility yet, she has told me a number of reasons. I’ve tried time and time again to talk to her about this, I’ve tried to work it out and solve the problems she has. She refuses to listen or talk it out. She feels I won’t understand, she says she loves me only as a friend. Anyway, she made me go back home to the US, and even though I have barely any money, and no job, or a home or a car to get around. I have to be with my parents.. I’m 29 and I would rather have worked out our differences, but she just doesn’t want to.. I don’t know what to do. I wish someone could help me with some advice. Should I break contact with her? I feel so betrayed and I feel like she gave up so fast. I never even had a chance. I miss her and I want her back. I don’t want to give up my marriage. Maybe she is having cold feet? How can I convince her to stay? She wants a divorce from me now and I have to send her a letter for her home country that we will be separated and getting a divorce. Do I honor what she wants and move on? My parents feel that I should just move on and focus on my needs, and not someone who is willing to throw away a marriage and ask me to leave when i have nothing to come back to… I’m in a hell and I don’t know who to talk to…?

    • Manny,
      You can talk to one of my coaches! We would love to help if possible. Your situation is a little unusual in how you met and how quickly you married. But a coach can help you discern when and how to reach out to your wife. Call us. 972-441-4432.

  15. Hi. My husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years. I have two children from a previous marriage and he has one as well. We both have been divorced. We knew each for a couple of years during those relationships. I was very forward with the type of baggage I came with (I was dealing with custody issues at the time) when we started dating. He was just recently divorced and having a child with another woman he wasn’t in a relationship with. Let me add we were both serving in the Army at the time so just the stress of that made me a little cautious on wether we should date. We moved really quickly and before we know it are redeployed again (we had just come back from another deployment). Now we have the stress of war, custody issues and new baby to deal with. We remained close as ever through this and made plansf for marriage and how life would be when we returned. Three months later he was injured leaving him paraplegic. It was devastating to me, his family and our soldiers. I tried everything to get to.his side. All he wanted was to get married and continue our plans despite this change and I was committed to.him because I.know I love him. We got married by proxy and I was able to return to.the states to be by his side. It was difficult coming into this situation because I did feel I would be able to handle it. A lot had changed. being in.the states meant facing the pressures of the custody issues (let me add that while on my first deployment my ex husband had taken all my property and our children and thus being the Army the courts did not see it in the best interest of the children that I have primary custody). Along with those issues we were dealing with his new baby and fighting visitation on that part. It was a lot to handle all at.once but nonetheless I wanted nothing more than to be married to him. My love and committment to.him never changed. We finally move into.our first home, I gain temporary custody of my children, he finally gets visitation rights. The pressure of the Army life and trying to blend our family, manage responsibilities, care for my.husband started to take its toll. I became angry, resentful, mean and emotionally imbalanced on how to address everything when my husband couldn’t cope. Refusing therpay (physical, psychological and individual) missing appointments, running away from the reality of.his new life. It became exhausting to hear I was the one to change if things were to get better. Now we’re both out the Army and 1 month.into it he became extremely withdrawn. Silent treatment increased. I had gotten accustomed to the fighting and feeling so angry that I couldn’t see it was heading to us separating. I found out he was me after our.big move and when asked why he can’t explain. Just says he wants nothing else to be close to my kids. We’ve tried marriage counseling avail because he doesnt want to continue. Anyway, I.know I just vented my whole life here and it sounds crazy. I love my husband and only regret that I didn’t let him feel like he was loved, safe and wanted. He has completely withdrawn and rejects any of my efforts, understandably so. My therapist says at this point I.just need to.accept it for what it is because hes made up his mind. Is there really very little hope after all that has been committed to, compromised, sacrificed and.endured? I dont feel we have tried everything to resolve our issues but maybe im myself.

    • Nancy, I don’t know if your therapist is right or not…but if you feel you have not tried everything then you probably haven’t. We see a lot of husbands (and wives) who are very withdrawn and resistant to communicating about the marriage because they are hurting and feel hopeless that anything can and will change. We know how to help you get your husband re-engaged. I don’t know if our program will be successful in getting your husband to want to work on the marriage, but I know that if anything will work…ours will. I hope you will call us and work with one of our coaches. There is a free 15 minute consult where you can ask questions and see if you are comfortable before spending your money. Call us at 972-441-4432 or email us here.

  16. My husband and I have been having problems for a few years. We sat down to try and hash things out yesterday. What started as a hopeful conversation turned into a scary one and he wants a divorce. I tried convincing him to give it one more shot and to go to counseling but he seems firm in his decision. He hasn’t moved out yet so I’m hoping I can follow the steps and show him our marriage can be salvaged. I’m just afraid he think we’ve wasted too much time already and will move quickly with divorce proceedings. Please help

    • Meghan,
      Follow the steps but they are just a place to start. If you don’t see results within a week, I recommend talking to one of our coaches. That’s where you would get a customized plan for your situation. Sometimes it is time to set limits but it is important to know when and how.

      • I feel like we had a much more constructive conversation last night, but there is still a lot of uncertainty. Is it possible to get in touch with a coach sooner than a week? I don’t want to rush things, but I also want to be sure I’m doing everything I can correctly from the start

  17. This all makes sense, except for one line that stumps me:

    “If your goal is to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries, you are probably going to be divorced.”

    I would’ve thought that for someone who’s had a problem standing up for himself and setting healthy boundaries, doing such a thing would be a positive part of ‘doing things differently’ in the face of a threatened end of relationship, but that sentence makes it sound like a bad thing. Am I missing a sublety or context?

    • Excellent question Scott. I had to go back and read it because standing alone, that sentence doesn’t sound like anything I would even say! But this is a context issue. If your spouse is wanting out and you are in desperation mode, it is likely you have been making demands due to your anxiety. Clients often confuse setting boundaries as control you put on another person. Boundaries are controlling YOUR behavior not someone else’s. True healthy boundary setting means you no longer make yourself available to someone else’s abuse. If your spouse is feeling the need you to get away from you, you are wise to give them space. Appropriate distance taking. Hope that helps!

  18. Any advice you can offer me please? My husband of 3 years told me last week that he does not love me anymore and left the house to stay with a friend. I met him last week to agree to separate but not divorce. I love him very much and would love nothing more than for him to come home. We did not set any boundaries for our separation. Should we have? And how do go about approaching him now? I miss him terribly, but can also recognise that I was not giving him all that he needed emotionally. When we met, I told him I was going to take the time to work on this stuff while gathering support around me. (I am from NZ and have no family or many friends here in the UK) Please help 🙁

    • Susan, I responded to this at the other site. Basically, I would set some boundaries around the situation or this can go on indefinitely without an progress either way. It also puts you at his mercy entirely. I’m glad you can see how you weren’t giving him what he needed. That is part of this process! Now you need to try and re-engage him without being pushy, smothering or threatening in any way. The toolkit will help with this. We are rooting for you!

  19. Hello,
    My wife wants out of the marriage and we have been married for 8 years, Together for 11. We have 2 kids (6) and (10). I love her very much and want to work on it. We have never really been to real marriage counseling. We have tried it for a few sessions then quit. We started young, she got pregnant at 18 and we got married when our daughter was 1.5 yrs. old. I have made a lot of mistakes over the years. We just seem like we have not been able to click. She has a huge trust and insecurity issue. She had approached me about a divorce and said she was going to file in 2 days. I asked to try a separation first out of fear and to buy time. I moved to my mom’s to give her space and time to think about it. We are both going to individual counseling but she doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling because she says she doesn’t want to be married and it would never work. After reading this article, I am trying to do a lot of this but I have already given up my space in the house. What should I do? Its been 3 weeks now. I really need some help with this as I am hurting and do not want to give up on this marriage.

  20. my husband and i had a big fight last Friday, and now he want separate , we have been together 3 years and married 2 years. we have 2 children. first baby is 2 years and our last baby is 1 year. i love my husband very much and i don’t want him to go. but all this is my fault . he has moved his things from our bedroom. he is sleeping in children room. he doesn’t talk to me, he is so angry at me. i don’t know what to do. please help

    • Vicky,
      Every couple fights and it actually can be a sign of a healthy marriage. But something more seems to be going on here….and it is important to have a professional help you evaluate what it may be. I can’t give specific advice here, but I encourage you to work with one of our coaches. They will learn all the details of what is going on and help you figure out what to do to make things better quickly. Your husband distancing himself this way is emotionally abusive. We can show you how to talk to each other appropriately even when one of you is so angry.

  21. I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband served me a divorce paper. He told me he wanted to divorce me before we founs out that i was pregnant. I thought i wanted to abort this baby but finally i didn’t. He brought home abortion pills cause he thought that was what i wanted and i told him i no longer want it. He got angry and told me how sick and twisted i was to bring up a child he doesn’t want in this world, he doesn’t want to be responsible legally and told me to tell the kid one day that he is dead if the kid asked me who his father was. That i am a manipulative (i did lie about stalking and money 3 years ago and he kept on giving me chances and now that i finally learned, he said it is too late) for using a kid to try to make him stay in this marriage. Now my husband moved out of the house and I am left deeply broken and wounded. I really still want to save my marriage.

  22. After my break up, I sat in my bed all day, every day. I cried constantly I actually started to Google ways to get over a broken heart, and that’s when I found your site. I just wanted to thank you so much for your help. It has gotten me through a lot, and I appreciate it immensely thank you for bringing my husband back to me and our kids. Thank you.

  23. My husband of 17 years said he needed space and wanted a divorce. So he moved out. After he moved out his mistress skyped him while she was in the shower (on the computer at my house). I had no idea that he had been having an affair. She is located in Chicago (a school teacher) and we are in AK. He says he met her on a fight and knew he loved her. That she knew he was married and she was married as well (we have 2 kids and she has none). Despite the fact that he says they have not been physical he says he did have a physical affair last year around the time he met her(drunk) when we were separate (he is in the military). Until this we have not had problems, we were best friends and shared everything. But he now says he has never loved me, that we got married to soon and he was not able to grow up and have time to be single etc. I miss my husband, I love him even with this. He keeps saying that he does not know what the future holds, that this could be a big mistake. But that he wants to be with her. But does not know if that will work out. But he still sleeps with me and plans on continuing even if they are together in real life( and thinks i should move on and keep him in my bed as well, not something I can do as I love only him). I don’t know what to do. I love him more than anything an miss him terribly. I am so scared that on day he will see her in real life and he will decide that she is his soulmate. I always thought we were soulmates and he has always said he loved me, was my best friend etc. until he met Laura Smith. We are not from here. In 2 years he will be retiring and moving away leaving me stuck here in the great north. I miss my husband. I love him but he replaced me and I don’t know what to do. Is our marriage savable?

    • Nicole, I don’t know if your marriage can be saved, but reading your post I see where you need to be setting boundaries if you want to have any hope to save it. Your husband is making all the decisions and it seems as if you are giving away all your power in the relationship. This may feel like the right move since it avoids conflict and keeps your husband from getting upset, but trust me…this will not make you more attractive to him. If anything, he will lose respect for you and wonder why you allow him to get away with so much. People are afraid to set boundaries because they fear doing so will push their spouse into the arms of his/her lover. But how can your husband respect you if you aren’t respecting you? We can help you with this. We have coaching and now we also offer group coaching at a low price. all us at 972-441-4432. I also discuss boundaries in the Re-engage toolkit you can find here.

  24. My husband of 23 years told he he loves me very much and will love me till the day he dies but he’s not in love with me. He says there is no passion or spark for me. He says there is no sexual desire any more. He believes we are best friends and he is very comfortable with me. I love him and want to work this out. Help!!

    • Hi Trish…I know this is so painful and frightening to hear from your husband. Try not to panic. I really hope you call us at 972-441-4432 or email us at We would love to work with you. There is no guarantee that we can help you get your husband re-engaged but if anything works…our program will! Saving marriages is what we do best. We have free consults! So call and talk to a coach and just see what you think. 🙂

  25. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1. The decline of our relationship happened so quickly, I didn’t have time to breathe and comprehend what had happened until it was too late. He filed for divorce 3 days after a major fight, and tells me he’s done, he doesn’t want to try, he doesn’t want to get back together, he doesn’t love me and won’t be able to love me again. These past few months have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve acknowledged all my faults, I’ve apologized for all the mistakes I’ve made in this marriage to cause him to feel this way. Communication was our big issue. After reading this article, I am unfortunately guilty of begging and pressuring, I’ve also been seeing a counselor since the day he moved out. He’s attended 2 of my sessions, but it was only to answer some of my questions and give me some closure. I feel very helpless because I’m racing against the divorce clock. I want the opportunity to try and make this marriage work, before we are divorced and go our separate ways.

  26. My wife ask me for a divorce two weeks ago,we have five kids together an shes going through medical problems that worries her,prior to that we argue about her getting a job,an her mother who does not work or help out in no way or form stays with us since we married 3ys ago, I try to be considerate but I want my privacy an she (mother )is always there,when I bring up the possibilities of her getting out or finding some where to stay the argument comes, I not patient, or I’m being mean but I wouldn’t be if there was progress an none has been made for her on either side, my wife or her mother,I work so much to keep us afloat I don’t know my kids anymore,what can I do I’m at my rope an I’m tired physically an mentally I want to give her the divoice an leave but I don’t want to loose my kids

    What do I do

  27. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We got into a huge fight about 2 days before our 4 year anniversary and I said I don’t want this. I meant that I don’t want for us to always be fighting, but he took it as I don’t want him. So he moved out and when I try to talk to him, he avoids me. I have 2 kids from previous relationships, and we have 1 together. I’ve tried to convince him to attend are engage with me which is a program through the church that is Scripture based, but he says he is done. I don’t want a divorce. I love him but he says he has a rock where his love for me used to be. I keep trying to make him realize that thus isn’t just about him, and that the kids miss him as much as I do, but it’s like nothing I say gets through. Please help me. I want to save my marriage if at all possible…

  28. 2 days ago my wife of 16 years told me that she had no feelings left for me and that our marraige was over (we have been together 23 years in total). We had this before back in Feburary, we said we would try to work at it and since then she has said she loves me etc. Then the other morning this bombshell.. She said that saying she loved me was just a word and that nothing had changed since Feburary. She said that she was working up to finishing our marraige for years and this time there was no future.We have been very civil to each other on account of our 12 year old son,and for him she said that she would spend 70% of the week in our home and the remainder with her mother. Can a situation like this ever be turned around. I am 48 years old and love her so much. The thoughts of losing her and having to start my life all over again is scaring me to death and im in a really dark place at the moment.

    • Ken,
      YES! Situations like this really can turn around…if you start paying attention and learning how to do what works. I wish you had found us in February because that was your wife’s way of telling you this is your last chance. Call us at 972-441-4432 and start working with one of our coaches. Your wife needs to see something very different in your behavior. This really may be your last chance. Make it count!

  29. My wife of 6 weeks wants out. I got a dui and she flew off the deep end so she spent the weekend with another guy. Sunday I asked her about it and yes she cheated so I told her to leave and figure out what you want. So she left and I packed all her things and her dad came and got her stuff. I shut her phone off and froze her accounts. She went to the bar with her new guy and my friend beat him up. She’s now saying she is getting the paperwork for divorce. She keeps all the pics of us on Facebook and still has my last name. I love her and I ment til death do us part. You think it’s over or is there still hope even though she’s with another guy

  30. I have been suffering from depression and for the last year and a half I have been becoming more and more insucure about my relationship with me wife. The situation came to a head over the Xmas/New Year period when I started texting a co worker. I feel nothing for this “friend” but my texts became very flirty and my wife found them while looking at my phone.
    I have been with my wife for 10 ears and we’ve been married 5. She is my world and I don’t know why I let this get out of control.
    She now says that she can’t trust me and wants a divorce. I want to try earn back that trust and make our relationship stronger, I know this won’t be easy and it won’t happen over night but I’m willing to try. Unfortunately she isn’t and says she is taking it one day at a time.
    We have just bought a new larger house and where hoping to start a family and because of me all of our hard work is at risk.
    How do I fix this? How do I move forward?
    Please help.

  31. I have been married 8 1/2 years, I wasnt the best husband I flirted and sought attention from other women. We got married because we got pregnant. She always told be she never loved me the way i wanted to be loved, she could never do that. We struggled with affairs on both sides, no trust resentment and financial issues. In december she told me she wanted a divorce, a day later i found out she had been dating another man for 6 weeks and is in love with him. We are still living in the same house and have yet to tell our 7 year old what is going on we are trying to be civil. She has continued in this relationship with the other man and it kills me. When I got married I wasnt ready for marriage and was immature, now that it seems over I have realized that I actually love my wife and she is the one I want. I did the mistake dropping hints that I want another chance. I dont want to push her away even further, but I just dont want to give up . I want to fight for my marriage for my family for her.
    I have begun to look at some of the things that got us to this point , my flirtations, my letting myself go physically and many others. I have started to change little at a time .
    Im lost, broken and dont know what to do

  32. Me and my husband has known each other for 3 months, we are so happy and in love with each other and then we got married December 2014, the first 2 months after we got married we started fighting alot because of lack of trust and few months after I asked for divorce because I’m tired of fighting with him all the time, but I never actually ido it because I love him so much, we still work on it even we fights and argue a lot because we love each other so much. September 2015 he leaves for deployment, he talks to me everyday in first 2 months but we still argue and fights about stupid stuffs.. December 2015 he told me he needs space because he wants to think about everything between us, if it’s the right thing that we got married but he even tell me that he never regret marrying me and I’m the best thing happened to him.. I gave him space for couple of weeks then after that He asked for “DIVORCE” because he really thinks that he’s not ready for marriage and want to be along but keeps telling me how he loves me so much and wanting to be with me..I was shock and don’t know what to say or do because I love him so much, I thought he’s just asked me for divorce because I asked him for that so many times.. Christmas, Our Anniversary and New Years has passed but he never call me and still didn’t change the fact that he wants divorce. January 2016 I found out that he made another Facebook a month ago when he got deployed and he add girls from the Philippines where he is deployed now… I confronted him about it and he told me that he talks to two girls there but never really intention to cheat on me and he’s telling me that he really don’t want divorce and stuff and lets fix it because he loves me so much, the next day he change he’s mind again telling me that he really wants divorce because he’s not ready for marriage right now because of his mindset and immaturity..

    I really love him so much and I still beg him to let’s try to fix our marriage again and go for a counseling, I told him that I will forgive him and forget everything just to fix our marriage, but he doesn’t want to anymore, he said he already made up his mind he don’t want this marriage and he told me that’s what he really feels…

    I don’t know what to do right now, I love him so much and I want to save my marriage, he’s coming home next month and he still asked me to pick him up because he wants to see and talk to me…. help me please! what should I do? I’m so confused

  33. Me and my husband has known each other for 3 months, we are so happy and in love with each other and then we got married December 2014, the first 2 months after we got married we started fighting alot because of lack of trust and few months after I asked for divorce because I’m tired of fighting with him all the time, but I never actually ido it because I love him so much, we still work on it even we fights and argue a lot because we love each other so much. September 2015 he leaves for deployment, he talks to me everyday in first 2 months but we still argue and fights about stupid stuffs.. December 2015 he told me he needs space because he wants to think about everything between us, if it’s the right thing that we got married but he even tell me that he never regret marrying me and I’m the best thing happened to him.. I gave him space for couple of weeks then after that He asked for “DIVORCE” because he really thinks that he’s not ready for marriage and want to be along but keeps telling me how he loves me and wanting to be with me..I was shock and don’t know what to say or do, I thought he’s just asked me for divorce because I asked him for that so many times.. Christmas, Our Anniversary and New Years has passed but he never call me and still didn’t change the fact that he wants divorce. January 2016 I found out that he made another Facebook a month ago when he got deployed and he add girls from the Philippines where he is deployed now… I confronted him about it and he told me that he talks to two girls there but never really intention to cheat on me and he’s telling me that he really don’t want divorce and stuff and lets fix it because he really loves me, the next day he change he’s mind again telling me that he really wants divorce because he’s not ready for marriage right now because of his mindset and immaturity..
    I really love him so much and I still beg him to let’s try to fix our marriage again and go for a counseling, I told him that I will forgive him and forget everything just to fix our marriage, but he doesn’t want to anymore, he said he already made up his mind he don’t want this marriage and he told me that’s what he really feels…
    I don’t know what to do right now, I love him so much and I want to save my marriage, he’s coming home next month and he still asked me to pick him up because he wants to see and talk to me…. help me please! what should I do? I’m so confused

  34. My husband and I have been married 14 years. We’ve separated in the past but reconciled and have been back together for 2 years. We had problems recently but hashed them out and we’re what I thought deeply in love. we told eachother how happy we were and it was a happiness we haven’t felt in a while. We were talking and texting eachother all day almost every day, then less than 24 hours of him telling me how much he loved me, he came home and said he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. We stayed living together for a few weeks. He completely ignored me. Didn’t text at all, didn’t return any of my text. Would come home and ignore me. I kept asking why and he said he didn’t know but it wasn’t me. He said he still loved me and it was all issues he was having. He just wasn’t happy no matter what he did, he was depressed and not sure what he wanted in life (mid life crisis?). I was devasted, still am. He left the house for a few nights the 1st three weeks but when he was home, he slept in bed with me cuddled with me even had sex several times then recently he left permanently. I am so devasted and hurt, not eating not sleeping. He won’t tell me why if it has nothing to do with me, why it seems like he is taking it all out on me. I think that’s the hardest part not knowing why. We have children so I have seen him when he is picking or dropping off kids. He’s hugged me and told me he loves me. Today I asked if there was any hope for us and he said there is and haven’t really heard back from him since. Sounds like from your advice I’ve been doing somethings wrong like begging and pleading. It’s hard not to but I am going to try to truly give him the space he needs hoping this will help him realize what he wants…Hopefully to be a family again. Until than I’m at a loss and hurting bad

  35. My wife and I got married in July I f 2011, it’s been hell from the start. She wanted to help her adult children out by having all three with us I signed for the two boys, but the kicker was when the daughter and grand moved in our 3Br house. It was drama almost every day. I was getting seriously stressed and already.struggle with depression. I became very angry, resentful and bitter towards for allowing me to go through it. She two of the three.were removed.from the home the drama stopped as well, but I continued to verbally attack her for allowing me to go the for so.long until she had enough.and moved out in Oct of 2014 and moved down.South with the grand daughter. I haven’t given her space calling a lot and am the ring her. I ended up in the hospital for two months after.she informed me she had with a.60 yr old man that she says doesn’t want anything but some home cooking. I love her greatly, but she tells me it’s over, and plans t serve me with divorce papers, which I told her I wouldn’t sign,, she said she would just wait until you can’t contest it. I did every th ng that you tell us not to do is it too late?

  36. My wife and I got married in July I f 2011, it’s been hell from the start. She wanted to help her adult children out by having all three with us I signed for the two boys, but the kicker was when the daughter and grand moved in our 3Br house. It was drama almost every day. I was getting seriously stressed and already.struggle with depression. I became very angry, resentful and bitter towards for allowing me to go through it. She two of the three.were removed.from the home the drama stopped as well, but I continued to verbally attack her for allowing me to go the for so.long until she had enough.and moved out in Oct of 2014 and moved down.South with the grand daughter. I haven’t given her space calling a lot and am the ring her. I ended up in the hospital for two months after.she informed me she had with a.60 yr old man that she says doesn’t want anything but some home cooking. I love her greatly, but she tells me it’s over, and plans t serve me with divorce papers, which I told her I wouldn’t sign,, she said she would just wait until you can’t contest it. I did every th ng that you tell us not to do is it too late? I am currently undergoing therapy for the depression and taking my meds, and taking better care.of my health, which was another contributing factor to her withdrawal.

  37. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have two beautiful daughters 3 and 5. After my pregnancies we started to have problems. I struggled with physical and hormonal issues and all that comes with having children. I worked full time and was getting very little sleep and had a hard time connecting with my husband emotionally and physically. He feels is pushed him away and I did to an extent. In my eyes I was trying to be a good mom and adjust to this new role. He became resentful, bitter and mean. As the girls have gotten a little older I tried to pull myself out of my post partum depression and wanted to reconnect but he was so mean that it shot any desire to connect with him down. I know that I initially pushed him away but his actions haven’t helped either. We both have said hurtful things and have become people we don’t want to be. We’ve had arguments where he’s threatened to take off but we’ve always made up and it would be good but not great. Two weeks ago something changed nothing got worse or better but he’s just so miserable and grumpy. It seemed he has snapped and now tells me he is checked out and done. He wants to move out of our home and feels we are too far gone to save our marriage. I in a panic did cry and beg him to not give up on us. I’m desperate to keep our family together and shield our daughters from the hurt that will come. I can’t eat or sleep or concentrate on my job. I don’t know what happened to make him completely shut down and detach emotionally from our family. I fear he may have found someone new and that has given him the push he needed to leave. I am clinging to the hope that we can get through his but he is moving out and I feel helpless to stop him. I’m so broken and don’t know how to put on a brave face for my girls and explain to them when they cry for their dad. It breaks my heart even more. And he is showing no emotion even when it comes to our girls. I feel he is already gone. He agreed to go to counseling but doesn’t feel it will work.

    • sounds like my life 2 daughters 5 & 17 months. We fight a lot 90% of the time I honestly don’t even know how it started. He wants to leave me every day I use to beg him to stay but tonight I told him if he wants to leave go… I hope he finds love for me again because when I look into his eyes it’s gone. And although it makes me feel broken and angry and scared I also feel sad for his for the man that use to light up when he seen me… I’m scared because I don’t know where I am going wrong he says I treat him horribly which I know in small ways I can but I never knew it was as bad as he says. And I get angry because I think you’ve done worse so what if I say this or that… but that’s just it I chose to put up and shut up he isn’t he wants better so if he stays this last time which I won’t beg him too because I want him to choose to try again.. I will consciously speak and ensure I treat him with the love that I do feel for him, and when he has a nasty moment with me I won’t speak then maybe he will hear what he says and make changes like I strive to… I love my husband not for my kids but for me and I want him to want me for me. I hope your family can work out and that you can save your marriage… I hope my husband will start to look at me the way he use to again.

  38. A year ago while reviewing cell phone billing and call statements, I discovered my wife of 21 years was involved in a long-standing (3 years) emotional affair with an ex boyfriend. She claims that the affair consisted only of telephone conversations and text messaging and that it never became physical. I want to believe her, but I don’t know. She admitted however, that she wanted to “see him” and even scheduled a date with him but backed out at the last minute. She broke off the relationship and has been trying to hard to regain my trust. My problem is that, as hard as I try, I simply have not been able to put my wife’s unfaithfulness behind me. I still don’t trust her like I did before. And at times, I feel very resentful and want out of my marriage. I really don’t know what to do.

  39. My husband and I have only been married for 2 years when he left me when our son was 6 months old. During the time we were separated he cheated and had another child. Two years later which was this past June he said that he wanted to be with me and we can make it work, we tried for 1 month and a half and he left again this past Friday. He said that he can’t forgive my actions and just can’t do it but in the last 3 weeks he’s been back and forth about being with me. I don’t understand the confusion but I really believe that we are suppose to be together, and the devil is trying to keep us apart. This is both of ours second marriage and at one point we believe this is forever. I absolutely believe that he is my forever husband but since he moved out I’m not sure how to save my marriage if he’s not here. Dispite his cheating and another child I still believe we are to be together. Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated.

  40. My wife and I have been having a pretty consistent problem throughout our relationship. We were with eachother for 4 years before, and now newly married for under 2. We’re both a lil short tempered each having our own triggers. And both can be stubborn. We constantly get into arguments over small stuff sometimes leading into bigger fights. But in the end it always seems are arguments end on a similar note. That being, we both don’t feel loved by eachother. And I can only speak for myself and only quote what she has told me. Her not feeling that I love her is due to the lack of affection appreciation and attention she feels as though I don’t give her. She also feels I don’t care about her feelings and I don’t share enough. And in part she has a very strong point. I’ve notice myself showing all these traits that are hurting her so. I definitely do not see it to the level she believes it’s at. I haven’t been completely void of emotion appreciation and affection to her but I have been distant. She only sees it as I’m completely neglectful to her. The issue with her, on my side are 3 things that really bother me. 2 are very hurtful but isn’t as bad as the main one. The one thing that kills me as how easily she’s been able to to walk away from me. Since early in our relationship she showed this. Whether it was a large problem we faced or small. She always turned to ending it. Or threatening to end it. I lost count how many times it has happened. But in the end this destroys what I feel my worth is to her. To feel like I’m discarded over and over. Not wanted or loved because how can I be loved if I’m left so easily. Not once was it me doing the leaving. I’ve always loved her and felt as though we should be able to work through almost anything. I understand the’re going to be rough times and pain with any relationship. But I’ve always felt shes worth it. I’ve never felt the way I do about anyone the way I feel about her. I spent the first half of our relationship chasing her down and fighting for her to stay or come back. Until it eventually became the feeling that I’m not fighting for her anymore, I’m fighting her to loverlap me. And at that point I stopped the chasing fighting and asking to her stay. I’ve just been adamant that I love her, I always will, and I don’t want this. I don’t want her to leave, that i will never want that. It seem she just desperately tries to change my mind, to make me feel the way she does, that leaving is the answer. I don’t know maybe it’ll make it easier for her to go. But I can’t feel that way. But we’ve managed to be together this long through it all and even through the unhappiness caused by this I still love her. Sometimes I think she does too, even though I sometimes have doubts. But even us being together, this one thing she does has made me feel more distant. Like I have to close myself off from her. Little by little I’ve been more afraid to show her that love and affection and even receive it because I don’t want fall anymore deeply inlove. Espicially when I know the next time she leaves me isn’t far away. And I never know when it’s for good. I don’t do it intentionally. There are times where I want to grab her and hold her even more than I do now. Just kiss her and show her the love I have for her. But whenever I have that thought I just freeze. I juse feel more and more unwanted everytime she leaves. And I grow more distant the less comminment I see from her. And the more distant I grow the more she feels unloved. It’s like a vicious spiral that I don’t know where it started and I see no end. I just want it to stop. I know if I truly believed she was committed to me, and show it, I wouldn’t be so afraid to open up and be closer to her like we were. I’ve mentioned this to her before most recently and once before just not in such detail. And she just claimed it to be who she is. She runs and it can’t be help. I don’t want to believe that. We got married after we talked about the idea of marriage right after one of the times she left and came back. And she actually asked me. And she promised that it will be foreal. It will be forever no more running no more leaving. We’ll work through it all. It didn’t happen that way. It didn’t change. I don’t know what to do now i’m here and she’s leaving again. And I just don’t want this. Seeking professional help is not an idea I’m not keen on, but I’m willing to do. It’s not something I can see her ever be willing to do. So I really am at a lost on what to do.

    • Carlos, we can help you with these issues. Call us during business hours at 972-441-4432. This is what we specialize in! You guys need to find ways to reach each other instead of pulling away when your hurt and angry. I hope you will call us.

  41. My wife and I were high school sweet hearts, she was 15 I was 18 when we started dating. We have been together for a total of 19 years and have been married for 12 1/2 years. We have been to counseling several times to learn how to deal with her health issues “bipolar and fibro myalgia” and also our marriage. It seems as though we have small fights every time her friends have guy trouble. We have 2 little boys and I love my wife more than anything. I do all the house chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry ect.. plus a full time job and taking care of her needs. Out of the middle of nowhere she said she wants to separate to find out if she wants to be with me. She has left the house and is staying with her friend as I continue all the work and take care of my boys. She will come over for a short time to see the kids and leaves. I still tell her I love her and she doesn’t say it back, she says it’s because she doesn’t want to lead me on. There’s nothing I want more than to have my girl back in my arms but I don’t want her to be forced to love. Please help any advice from anyone would be great. Thank you

  42. My wife and i have been together for 18 yeats. Weh var three chidlren ages 16, 14 and 12. This pastweek she jas told me that she will always love me but is no longer in love with me and hasnt been in about 3 or 4 yeatd. She was only staying for the sake of the children. She told me that she honestly never truly felt like we belong together and she is dead set on leaving after family vacation in July. Our relationship has always been rocky and have separated a few times over the years. I am completely beside myself and don’t know what to do. I love this womam with every part of my being but communication has never been my strong point. The other dqy i sat her down asked what she wanted in a relationship to get an idea of how i could maybe work on thingd. The list is long but it boils down to she doesnt feel connected to me that we have grown too far apart. There just isn’t anything left for me in her heart. I have been doing a tremendous amount of soul searching trying to identify how i have contributed to these feelings and what i could have done differently. I am trying to stand strong but after her tellibg me that she has felt this way for years i just dont know if its possible. Can you provide me some more tips to help stay strong? I am committed to making this marriage work

    • DJ, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Your desire to connect and make your marriage work is clear. Our Marriage and Relationship Coaches are very experienced in helping people in your situation. They can provide you with the tools you need to handle relationships in a healthy way, and also offer support and guidance while you are learning to use and implement these new tools. I have asked one of our coaches to reach out to you. Our coaching starts with a free 15-minute consultation and gives you an opportunity to see how we can be of help. Wishing the best for you, TL (for Kim)

  43. This is goona be a long one.
    Married almost 11 years. 38 y/o Backing up, a little about me. I grew up in a house with love and turmoil. Parents always fighting, father with aggressive angry personally, with a huge loving heart underneath. Bad events followed by hugs and kisses. Learned bad habits there. They are still married…
    Angry kid and teenager, smart but never could get the homework done. No friends, or very few, not god in groups, bragger, low self esteem, aggressive, etc. Obviously now, ADHD. Ok good – 1 down.Anger = depression turned outward. Ok good – 2 down.
    Self medication with marijuana since 22 y/o after baseball career was over in freshman year of college. Hooked, 10+ years and not realizing that there is an addition there until 5-14-2017.
    4-1-16 after many years of a wife feeling trapped in a marriage that was emotionally abusive, thinking she is doing her husband a favor, asked says she think they should divorce and that he must feel that it right because it is clear he is unhappy and does not love her (2 boys now 5 & 9 in the picture). Me-husband, devastated, loves his wife more than anything in the world, finally responds with sadness rather than anger when after so many years never showing any empathy, when his wife begged him not to….spend money they didn’t have, get marriage counseling, get help. Lost a job 5 years prior and fell off the deep end into a now obvious state of depression.
    Out of desperation to save the marriage, begged for a chance to get help, and promised to change if the help would work. Lots of crying, walking around in a park on the phone with his wife, begging more and more, pleading for a chance to change, not really knowing if he could, what’s wrong, but wanting to do it for her.
    4-2-16, physiatrist, “Dr. I just angry all the time, when I should be showing empathy I just get angry, when my wife shows me loves, I just respond with crap. I have hurt her and I don’t know what to do. Something is not right……..Figured out a line of depression was in the family, grandmother who stayed in bed for days, neglected her children, angry father, etc. Dr. prescribed Mirtazapine, coming later to find its a no joke anti-depressant, and Adderall for the ADHD. Hereditary Borderline Personality Disorder Cluster B (the “dramatic, emotional, erratic” cluster) or some mixed form of that. In any event this was dealt with and has been life changing. Combined with the ADHA meds, I don’t have issues with these problems any longer. And the wife agrees that I am a changed man. She no longer feels trapped or abused emotionally and that was huge.
    After treatment began, a few months later I really, looking back, made a poor choice, and thought I could, like so many friends etc. from time to time, say out on the golf course, or when feeling really stressed, enjoy the occasional use of marijuana. Had been using as self medication for over since 22 y/o. Thought to myself, my issue was the anger and depression, (now understanding the real diagnosis) and I could use it from time to time. Hey, guys don’t tell their wives when the go to the strip club with their buddies, “just got a drink with boys honey” – no harm to foul. Before long I was back to using every day, and no being there for her as a partner, and cranky in the mornings, hard to get out of bed, staying up late, hiding in the garage using it etc. But at least the abusive anger was gone. Thought and feels of why can’t I stop this, I guess I need it to help me feel relaxed because life is so hard, fixing this marriage is so hard, if I can just fix me all our problems from the past will go away. Now knowing you can’t fix a marriage with personal therapy and treatment alone.
    In May she caught me again, begged pleaded, got another chance, was good for a while again, and slipped back, trying to control it, but before long using everyday AGAIN. Now 5-10-17, caught me again, found it in the garage, I left it out and forgot to hide it, cry for help maybe? Made a really commitment that if it means my marriage or my use, I want my marriage. Threw it all away, clean out the paraphernalia, removed all temptation. Ok good, but did it for her and my family. Went to my parents for a gradation, everyone was pretending and putting on a happy face, and once I realized my parents had found out from her, because she could not hold it in, I lost it. Mini-intervention, but really just ridicule form my parents, “why cant you do this, what’s wrong with you, do you want to loose your family, get a grip, you need help”. Is there help? I mean no one ever sucked D$%k in the park for weed, you can’t be addicted, it’s just weed. Google search: marijuana treatment program, article about effects and what it does over years and years of chronic use, holy crap, what, it stops your brain from producing the chemicals that comes when you feels joy-happiness-and relaxation. Those thoughts of I can’t handle day to day life without it, spending money I don’t have, anti-social feelings, cranky, etc etc etc, I checked every box. Then read what treatment looks like, the plan of day to day life to fill the voids and get over the cravings. Let it go out of your system, don’t get down on your self, this is an illness and you can’t do it alone. WOW, enlightening, hopeful, and as it said, I could already see a better life for myself right then and there.
    Called my Dr and scheduled an immediate appointment with therapist to get help for this too. Nothing controls me, I can’t have that, and once I realized, not saying I don’t take responsibility for my actions, I was not in complete control of my decisions, and looking back I no I was not, that I’m not a piece of garbage that is just selfish, I found forgiveness for myself, and used the past to learn and looked to the future for my success. Personally I have never felt better, 30+s plus now, barely, but I love me, and I just love the way I feel, clear headed, clam, in control, genuine reactions, etc, with plans for the future, and loving life.
    Committed to wife I was in it for the long run, admitted my addiction to my family and friends, and took the steps to never look back (expect to reflect and learn from it!) But… was too little to late, she had already hire a lawyer ($5000) and was just over it all.. Said she wanted a separation/divorce, I was again crushed, but I really could not defend myself. I cried to my parents on the phone, but that quickly passed, and boy I was at least happy at my reaction. Dad, in his own way gave me the strength and what I needed to hear at the time. “You are a 38 y/o good looking white collared successful guy, you have everything going for you. You will find happiness somewhere else. You are a changed man, and you are getting the help you need. You have never been better than you are today. If she can’t love that than that is her problem. Walk in there and be clam, have distain, not anger, and tell her you will give her the divorce without fighting about it. You have too kids and that is what is most important now son.” Well, I did just that, with not a tear, and as calm as I have ever been. It must have shocked her, “how are you so clam, how can you just flip a switch like that” she said, I responded, what real choice do I have, The path I thought I was on and that you still had in your heart the want to be “in love” with me again, ugh ” in love” what a lie that concept is, psychosis I have learned, is over and I have to go down another path to find happiness. I get it honey, I love you and care about you but I can’t force you to love me. You have and still say you love me but just can’t see how you could ever love me as a married couple should. I get it and it’s ok. I want happiness for you, and as hard as it is to hear it, that might be with someone else, but I need a healthy mothers to my boys, and someday there maybe someone else living here that my boys love too, and I’ll just have to deal with that, its just reality. I too hope I can find happiness and love for me, and the same situation applies for my future an these boys too.
    I guess that shocked her because she stopped and said that she does not want to do this, she does love me and we could fix this marriage. She laid out things she needed from me, to feel loved again, and I said ok, but lets not put that type of pressure on ourselves, Let’s take it day by day, and build a new marriage, filled with love and joy, because I am better than the man you married, and we can be better than ever before. We talked about a plan, my treatment, she needs help too, which she, since then has had 2 therapy appointments with my sons doc, a Nurse practitioner, Lexapro and Ativan at night. We agreed that we need therapy too, and she said she would get a referral form her “Dr”.. We agreed and set forward to work. over the next couple of weeks I asked if she got that referral yet. She mentioned that her “Dr.” said she wants her to work a little more on herself before we go get couples therapy. Ok, don’t want to pressure her, right?
    Everything has been great, or so I thought. I choose everyday to decide to love her, to make her feel loved, and she says I did. With an upcoming trip with her parents to their vacation home, I asked if we were all set, because I had said to her a back on that day, that she would need to cancel my tickets as we were getting a divorce.
    I joked that I have a ticket right? And her reply was umm yea I guess so as far as I know. I sensed the hesitation, and asked, you want me to still go right? Long pause, we were on the phone, and she said she did not want to talk about this now….Oh no I thought, what’s up? I called her alter and said I could come home early before we had to pick-up the boys so we could talk if she would like. ……Now face to face, I’m thinking that this is all still so fresh and maybe she just wants to have a relaxing vacation with her parents and boys without having to go through reconciliation, on my part, with her parents, which I thought ok, that is reasonable. But I was WRONG. She said she just can’t so this anymore, she loves me but does not feel she could ever be “in love with me again”. That was last Thursday 6-8-17. She’s just not happy, she was just emotional when she asked me to stay and we would fix our marriage. That she wants a divorce and that this is over, She still cares and loves me, but no longer has the feeling a wife should have for a husband.
    I was hurt, angry that she did exactly what we talked about not doing, making plans behind each other’s back, coming to find out she has set aside money for me to move on, figured out a lot of stuff as far as transition, short of having paperwork drawn up. Told me I will need to start looking for a place, get a lawyers, we will be friends and be great parents to our boys, amicable relationship, etc. etc. etc.
    I was hurt again by all this, but a little pissed as I felt mislead, and she agree she could have handled this better, and it was not fair to string me along. My desperation kicked in, looking for marriage counseling, trying to get her to go to a marriage workshop with 75% rate of saving marriage, see saw right through that when I presented and divorce counseling. You know how that story goes. She was a little sad, but had such calmness, and I asked, do you feel relief having finally told me, …”yes I have” she said.
    Over the past few days I have been making some mistakes, smutting her with my love, trying to prove myself, questioning her reasoning. etc, all the pitfalls. Through reading I am trying not to fall prey to those feelings, but that it so hard. I love her more than anything, I feeling so good mentally, it makes it harder. I know I have finally in a place that I deserve her love, can accepted it, I don’t need it, I want it, and that there is a difference. Over the past few days we have been very nice, doing things together, laughing at times, arguing, planning, hurting etc. sleeping in separate rooms, except one night when I was feeling so upset anxiety was killing me, she said I could sleep in our bed with her if I needed too.
    I made a 3 hour appointment with a top rate councilor locally and at $900, which she freaked when she heard the price, and has agreed to go, with the promise from me, that I f walk out after meeting and she still wants a divorce than I will not fight her on it, and we can be friends, amicable and raise our boys. That we still need some guidance and to not let everything that happened ruin of chances of being good co-parents. We need clarity and closure to be able to move on and not carry this forward for the rest of our lives. That 2nd marriage fail at 0ver 70% because people don’t deal with what happened in the first marriage.
    She agreed.
    Yesterday, Oh my god. I think I may have just made a breakthrough. I was talking about my parents and my mom. She feels so bad that they suck so much for me. I said that my mom is still always throwing all the fighting and disrespect etc I had with with my mom before I got help and that I would hope my mom could, not saying that all that was somehow now acceptable, but that my mom could have a little perspective and look back and say I know now that he was dealing with this mental disorder and I can as his mom feel better about those years as a teenager through even up to last year and not continue to throw it in his face or apply it to what he says or does today because he has come so far and really has changed. I said I get it and that it seems a lot of people are having a hard time believing that or accepting that and having that perspective. It’s hard.
    She replied I know and that sucks and I wish your mom would, and I know I need to as well, but you just have to give me some time to bounce back and I’ll get there and we will be friends and raise these boys together.
    I then said I appreciate that you feel that way and that gives me comfort but that also fuels my desperation, because I think to myself if you can feel that way now, and that you can/want to have that perspective that the step after that maybe you could change he way you feel about me as your husband. I then stuttered a few seconds, said knowing , walked to the bedroom door, with her in bed, and said goodnight. Goodnight was relied and I left the room for the night.
    She didn’t argue, she didn’t say her normal, well that’s just not gonna happen, and you just have to get over that.
    Sometimes silence is deafening or music to your ears.
    Tomorrow morning is our appointment. Do I have any chance here?

    • Heartbroken, I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve passed your information on to one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches who will reach out to you via the email you provided here. I wish you the very best.
      TL for Kim

  44. I really don’t know where to begin my wife and I have been married for a little less than five years. I’m at a crossroads right now and my life between a new job and money has been very difficult for the past few years I’ve constantly hit our money issues from my wife as best I could always with the concern that she would never understand and she would leave me because I don’t run enough now those are my reasons of my insecurities for not being forthright and what’s that has caused is mistrust.
    Now let me make something very clear there is no excuse for my actions the my actions and I accept full responsibility for those actions and that that lead or leads to the end of this marriage and that is something I will have to deal with.
    The thing is it’s very frustrating for me because my wife is someone who has extreme anger issues she’s constantly belittling me or any of my achievements always making me feel like I’m less than I am nothing I ever do is good enough she will attack based on anything she can use to manipulate a situation in short she’s always playing the victim never willing to accept any of her actions as being an issue in this relationship.
    She’s constantly blaming me for things that I have no control over when I try to speak to her it’s like walking on eggshells.

    Things have gotten so bad that financially I couldn’t even approach her none the less I should have tried she would spend money on things that we didn’t have money for and when I would try to tell her that we don’t have the money to do things should immediately resort to putting me into a place that I just felt helpless like I was not worthy of her marriage or her love by telling me things like you’re ghetto you make no money she can’t live like this and so on the part that was so hard for me to understand is that I’ve seen my parents who had nothing on my mother who stuck beside my father through it all just like I would do for her.
    All these things that I’m telling you here her not to justify my actions in any way shape or form because they were wrong and more so they were detrimental to the marriage my question really is I still love her I don’t want to end things because I don’t really believe that was ever given a fair shot from the beginning. Even now she’s constantly blaming me after she said she was done and she wants a divorce the thing I get from that is when someone still blames you and it still playing the blame game that means they’re still there they still care they’re still emotionally invested obviously so they’re not really done.
    I know that I’ve lied to her about money I’ve deceived her for whatever reason I have to earn that trust back but will I be able to with someone who’s not willing to accept their own role in what has brought us to this point.
    I would ask my wife periodically I would try to bring up money I would make spreadsheets showing that were negative every month and that I really would like for her to contribute her answer was “you met me like this” I think what she means by that is I’m used to having people pay for me so therefore I don’t have to. Her idea of contributing to the marriage that should buy some groceries or she’ll put something on her credit card but then make me pay it back for example just last week she bought an expensive coffee maker without discussing it with me and then asked me to give her money back for it.
    That’s her in a nutshell everything I said above the thing is how do I repair the trust that I broke by not being honest with her about what was going on in my life in our life in regards to money. But the fact that I lied about all of that has led to other issues because now she just thinks that I’m lying about everything that I cheated on her that I’ve done all these things that I’ve never done but you can’t defend yourself when you’ve already lied about something else how can you tell her she’s wrong because her comeback is well you’ve lied to me about this why wouldn’t you lie to me about that and she’s right.
    Apart from everything marriage is a two-way street there’s giventake I broken trust by lying to her about these things and at the same time I’m just as Fed Up with her constant emotional abuse towards me and everytime I bring up with her her anger problems prior to this happening recently she just projects everything on me or tells me that I am too sensitive I’m not a man.
    I just need some guidance how I can handle this because all of this and I still love her and will do whatever I can to help save this marriage but am I wrong when I say that because she still playing the blame game and attacking me and screaming that she still cares or is that her way of dissolving all responsibility from herself basically am I fighting a lost cause.
    Thanks for listening or reading this I should say even if you don’t respond I have no one else to speak to because I’m ashamed of the things I’ve done and maybe she is better off without me.

  45. My husband and I met when I was 17, he was 27 we were engaged after two months after 2 years we fell pregnant with our first child, life was great… I grew up a lot and my outlook on life changed after having a child and big responsibilities and so did his, we began snapping at each other over stressful situations, then my family made things worse my family are very controlling and manipulative people this made life very strained because I still love them and until those rough years I was nieve and never seen those qualities in them before, things got very bad between us I had a lot of trust issues with my husband as he was very closed off from me and never included me much in any decision making… when he spoke of moving he would say I’m moving not we should move… I felt like it was very one sided, I feel like there is a double standard in our relationship he can accuse me of cheating but how dare I accuse him of anything type thing. He is always saying that I am cheating on him… I have never and would never do such a low act, how can you prove you haven’t done something? It’s so frustrating because we were the couple that others were annoyed at for being so happy and in love … how do we get back to that? He seems to want to fight, he seems depressed but he looks at me like I’m mental if I suggest he go to the doctor .. he packs his bags often and says he is leaving me of course I get upset I don’t want to loose my marriage I’m terrified if I let him go he will love life without me and the kids which breaks my heart but then I feel like a monster for being scared that he will be happy because he clearly isn’t here and if I love him like I do then I shouldn’t be so selfish in wanting him to stay despite his unhappiness… what do I do.. I’m at my breaking point…

  46. My husband of 3 years and lover of 7 was not himself. We had our difficulties but I had no idea there were bad enough. Two weeks before he was saying he would never leave me and even two days before he was loving me like normal with good passion.

    He said he still loved me, but felt I deserved better and we were not compatible. He seemed off though like very cold, emotionless and just checked out. He was disgusted when I touched him, whether with himself or me I am not sure.

    I found out it seems he is doing drugs, dealing and cheating on me. He has been feeling lost, I believe, in terms of his future, but he hasn’t communicated with me and Now I feel forced into this divorce.

    Right now, I’m doing what ever one says and just focusing on moving on with my life, but I want him to come home.

    • Ashley, you have a lot to deal with right now. If you would like some professional guidance on how to handle your situation, call our office. We would be happy to help you.
      TL for Kim

  47. My wife and I had been married for a year and almost half, we decided to go to counselling and thought it went well, she was praising us and myself and the way things were working out, and told me I could never leave her. ( I was formerly abusive in her eyes) Looking back I could have not got as upset over things. She suffers from ptsd and various things, also her ex was taking her to court. One morning I asked her what happened when I went to bed and she took this as me accusing her of cheating and told me to get out, I was shocked as I told her I didn’t mean it like that and she was very strict biblically about us never getting divorced. Its been 11 days since then she wont talk to me unless its about our daughter, the first visit I had with our daughter she wouldn’t let me upstairs to get my stuff and wasn’t wearing her ring, she doesn’t want to talk about divorce, or separation but doesn’t want to talk to me either. I’ve since started various counselling sessions and group meetings to work on myself.

    • Tyler, It sounds like you are in a tough spot. I’m glad to hear you are staying focused on you, with self care and therapy as that will help not only you but likely the relationship as well. There’s always a tendency to want to focus on the other person in the relationship and the reality is we can’t change anyone but ourselves. If we can help you on this journey, I hope you’ll call my office. My coaches work with clients in this situation often. Warmly, Kim

  48. Sunday my wife told me that she wants a divorce and that it’s too little too late to try and fix things. She also told me that she made out with another guy on Friday she’s been unhappy only reason that happened is because he was giving her the attention I haven’t been. Yesterday I managed to get into marriage counseling with her and she has agreed to go but things still do not work very positive she wants me to live upstairs. She wants two weeks of no contact at all and the ability to do whatever she wants. However we do have three kids together and have been together for seven years it’s been up-and-down battle my fault was that I had checked out unknowingly

    • Cody, I read your comment and am wondering how the last month has been for you both? I’m glad your wife agreed to participate in the counseling. It will take time. Things didn’t get bad overnight and the repair process will be slower than you wish it was. There are things you can be doing though that will give your relationship the best chance of rescue. This is the kind of work we specialize in. If you’d like to work with a coach individually or as a couple, I hope you’ll reach out to my office. I wish your relationship better days ahead, Kim

  49. I have been married to my husband for 11 years. It hasn’t always been great but we managed. I made a big mistake in regards to him. I lied to my husband a lot in the years we were married, i’ve kept secrets from him. And understandably, he doesnt trust me, i’ve never given him cause to. But what i will never cop to us cheating on him. He wants me to admit that i did, but how can i? Never once did i cheat on him and now he never let’s it go. I know i’ve messed upm but i have been making progress in that area. From making everything that i do transparent, no hidden agendas, i’ve come clean with everything. Yet he still doesnt trust me. I hurt him badly, i blame myself for it. It got bad tonight when i was showing him pictures of my family who has gone to Guatemala for my sisters’ wedding tomorrow. He asks me if i’m jealous of her. Why should i be? I’m happy for her even though i can’t be there to see her because i don’t have a passport. I snapped at him for saying it. He said he was just joking, but i didn’t believe him. Lets just say things got worse where my husband ended cursing me in front of our 9 year old son. Saying that i have to listen when he speaks. My love for my husband is dying and i don’t know what else i can do. He assumes many things that are taking place that are not even close. I did a new hair style and he doesn’t even like it. I need help because i’m dying slowly inside. I don’t want my son to be bitter because he is getting there. He is giving trouble in school, but i don’t dare tell him. He’ll just blame me for it. What do i do? I’m at d end of my line here.

    • Vanessa, it sounds like there is a lot going on between the two of you and you’re caught in what we call a dance or pattern, repeating the same missteps with each other over and over. We work with individuals and couples, helping them recognize these patterns and stop them quickly. If you’d like to find out more information about working with a coach and how it can help your relationship, please give us a call and we can set up a free consultation. 972-441-4432. Warmly, Kim

  50. My husband of ten years told me about a month ago that he wants to get a divorce. He met a woman at work who he finds attractive and we were having problems at home. and he vented to her. and he told me that he has fallen for her. we have to small girls 6 and 4. we both have made mistakes. Me with my words and actions him with infidelity and online hookups. but im an old world kinda gal. to me marriage is hard and it takes so much work. i dont want a divorce. i cant see my life without him as my husband and lover. i have known no one else but him since first setting my eyes on him. we still stay in the same house right now but in different rooms . and have on occasion talked of working things out. he has always start the moves as to kiss me and other things. but yet when he goes back to work or talks to the woman who he was told everything that has happened on our marriage he gets confused. he is telling me that i need to get my own place and that he needs time. we had a glorified make out session last night and he gave me a hickey like we were in high school. last night he tells me he loves me and that im the only one for him. but yet the moment he is out of my “influence” he says he is numb and confused. i believe he is keeping me on the backburner so he was time to see if there is something better out there for him for example the woman at work that he wants. he keeps telling me he needs time to find out what he wants. what he needs. doesnt he understand that he is breaking our family im so confused all i want is to be in his arms in my heart and soul i feel like our love is destined to be but bc of past hurts he wont let me in anymore.

    • Amanda, You’ve got a tough situation on your hands. You have a husband who right now has the best of both worlds – his wife and his lover. Meanwhile, you and your kids are left in limbo. If you haven’t done so already, I’d encourage you to read my post on Boundaries as well as the one on Ultimatums. I think both would be useful to you. This is tough stuff and is hard to do on your own. If you’d like some guidance, pleae call me. I have coaches on my team who can help you. Wishing you better days ahead, Kim

  51. I have downloaded the ebook and have been trying to follow the plan. Something dawned on me this weekend, I realized I never apologized to my husband after our last big fight that caused us to be living separately under the same roof. It’s so not like me not to, but I think I was so angry and hurt, that I needed time to reflect and realize the things I had done wrong. I read “When an apology isn’t enough” by Gary Chapman liked mentioned in the ebook…it made me realize, if I had apologized right away I wouldn’t have meant it because I needed to figure out what I needed to change.
    So my question is, in your ebook it says “own it” and apologize. What do you do if your spouse is barely speaking to you and won’t make time for you to talk so that you can apologize? Is writing him a letter a way to do this? But is that sincere? I really want to get this right because I truly am sorry.
    Thanks for the advice!

    • Lindsey, Thanks for taking the time to share your story and ask your question. I’m glad the ebook opened the door for your recent self-awareness and learning! Regarding how to apologize… if an in-person apology isn’t possible based on the current dynamics of your relationship, don’t let that discourage you from still apologizing. I think a written apology can be very powerful, particularly in this day and age where everything is text-this and email-that. In fact, my therapists and I will at times have clients prepare a written apology letter to be used in session. I think the sincerity of it is less about the format and more about the content. Speak from your heart and own your mistakes. That is sincerity! I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage you to seek help from a professional as you navigate this road and work to restore your relationship. I have coaches who specialize in situations like this who can provide the guidance you are requesting. I hope you’ll call us! My admins can help you set up a free consultation. Warmly, Kim

      • Well, I poured my heart out in a letter and admitting to my wrongdoings as well as what I was doing to change them so they didn’t happen again. I believe he read it because it’s open sitting on his nightstand, and I also apologized via text yesterday.
        I thought it would help make me feel better and I know I did the right thing, but then he just didn’t come home at all last night. No text, no call, nothing. Feel heartbroken. But trying to remember I didn’t do it to change things, I did it because it was the right thing to do. But still hard when that’s what happens after you pour your heart out and apologize to the one you love. I know I have to keep going with the rest of program and not confront him. Just so hard.
        Sitting here trying to remind myself I can’t control his actions, I can only control how I respond…and I need to continue to be more scarce and focus on me.

        • The other piece to this is that it’s the 3rd time in a month he just hasn’t come home. After the last 2 times I said something and asked that he please respect me and let me know that he will not be coming home. I said you don’t have to tell me why or where you are just tell me “not coming home”. I explained I worry and do not sleep because I wonder if he is dead in a ditch somewhere. I also stated that we are still married. After the last time, he responded to my text and told me he wasn’t coming home and why. Obviously last night he did not respect me nor my request. I never said a word and I’m wondering if I should? I reread the part about boundaries, is this one worth setting? It’s not right and not fair…we aren’t even legally separated nor has he told me he’s done. But his actions are speaking louder than words.

          • Hi Lindsey, You have some great questions and these are exactly the types of situations that our coaches can talk through with you and advise you on how to handle. Please call our offices and we can arrange for a free consultation with a coach. The coach will be able to tell you if you are a good fit for coaching and then arrange to work with you going forward. Regards, Becca

  52. My wife of almost 2 years has thoughts of ending things. She’s admitted to putting my needs ahead of her own for the almost 4-5 years we’ve been together. I”ve admitted this and have vowed to work on myself and be the person she was attracted to in the first place. I’m seeking professional help for myself and want to work on me. She said she is open to it but isn’t promising anything. That alone is giving me anxiety that is keeping me up at night and not allowing me to eat much. I don’t want to push her away and to top all this off i know she is attracted to an other single man, they have gotten together for coffee and I was mad aware prior to this, they are in communication past that i’m not sue how much but with our marriage in a vulnerable state this is not helping cope with her giving me an honest chance to be better. I am seeking all the help i can get and do not want to lose my wife and home because of my stupidity and immaturity throughout our relationship.

    • Graydon, I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough season in your young marriage. I’m impressed with the earnest desire you seem to have to work on your side of the relationship. I’d like for you to call my offices. I have a coach that will be a great resource to you on this journey, who can partner with you and help you do the things that give your marriage the best chance of rescue. I’ve asked my admin to send you an email about this as well. Wishing you better days ahead, Kim.

  53. I have a question, my husband wants to save our marriage and I am not interested at this point. I have been with him for almost 23 years, we have had our good times don’t get me wrong but the bad times really took a toll on our relationship and I am just not interested in continuing. He is trying to do the things that I like now and help our more, I mean really trying. But honestly it is not making me feel like I want to stay at all! Part of the issue is that we have been down this road before, we went to counselling and I still don’t feel any different. I’m think I am just done and it doesn’t matter what he tries to make me happy…I’m numb. What do you do in a situation like this?

    • Hi TJ, I actually hear things like this often from clients in my office. One spouse has been frustrated for years and has either not communicated those frustrations or they’ve fallen on deaf ears when they do. The resentment builds until one day they say they are done and their spouse is shocked. Shocked but also now motivated to make changes. But for the resentful spouse it feels like too little too late, or perhaps not sincere change. Does this feel familiar? If so, here’s the thing. Feelings change. They do. In fact yours already have during this 23 years of marriage. But they don’t change overnight. It takes time. Perhaps your feelings for your husband will change again and perhaps they won’t; but either way, I encourage you to do everything you can to explore how you got to this place in your marriage and what your options are moving forward before you give up your 23 year marriage which you say had “good times” too. One of my coaches can help you (or you and your husband) do this. Feel free to call my office and set up a time for a free consultation. Warmly, Kim

  54. Hello,
    Reading all these comments are helping me a little bit to understand what is going on in my life, But i’m still pretty much devastated, I Need Help!
    I’m so lost and confuse, I met my husband and after 2 months we got married, I’m for an other country , I came here in vacation and we fell in love, I will never forget how magical was, we were sooo happy and i felt i was living a dream
    After 2 moths of marriage the things started to go up and down for continuous discussion, i wasn’t feeling the love from him anymore and i became insecure, i felt he was running away from me . he was complain that i was not talking with love and i did’t give him break when he needed.
    I got pregnant ( he wanted the Baby) then i could see he was terrified and started to act cold and stay far away from me. i loss the baby i was 3 moths pregnant . ( i think was too much stress) 1 day after the miscarriage i asked why he couldn’t be more affectionate and sweet with me and under stress he asked the divorce , then he said that was a mistake and wasn’t’ a good moment for divorce. is been awful because i’m not from Usa so i have been feeling alone and lost. i left my life and my job and my family for him and i’m happy that i did that but i was planning to stay with him forever.
    then we did a trip to my country and he promised me that things were going to get better, he promised to my parents to meet for the holidays and spend the holidays together. then we came back and after 2 WEEKS and an other stupid discussion , he left me in the cousuler session asking for divorce, i asked to be separated and wait to see how the things were going and he told me that he wanted the divorce because if we were separated i could still have hope we are going to be together .
    he told me that he really love me and he is suffering so much, that his heart is broken but our relationship can’t work because he said i’m not able to talk with love and give him space when he needed, ( i really really tried with all my heart to make him happy and talk in the sweetest way that i knew but i wasn’t enough)

    He left the house, then i left the house and he went back home, . i tried to talk with him and have a closure but he said that he doesn’t want to talk because is too painful and because there is nothing to do anymore, he said that he is done.
    I’m so devastated , he neither want to talk at the phone.
    I know that if he wants the divorce i have to accepted that , i can’t force him to stay with me but i feel and also he said that he loves me, how he can ended in this way.
    Why he is so upset with me, look like he is furious and treat me like i was nothing for him.
    I m so sad and devastated , i miss him so much and every time i think i have to go to the lawyer to sign the papers i vomit or have stomach problems,
    I wish he could at least talk with me….
    I still love him very much.
    Do you think i should resist to sign the papers and try to talk with him because he said that he still love me? is already 2 months that we are separated.

    • Hi, Heartbroken,

      I’m so sorry for all the hurt and pain you both are going through. I wish I could offer you the perfect advice about signing the papers or not, but, unfortunately, that isn’t possible. If you’d like some support and guidance while going through all of this, one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches would be well equipped for that. Please call our office to get the process started.

      Wishing you the best,
      TL for Kim

  55. Good Afternoon. My story is much like those I have read. We have been married for almost 6 years and we too have had lots of great times and bad as well. My wife is 62 and I am 47 and I have not meet her needs. That’s the biggest problem for us. She has given up on us just when things are becoming clear to me as to how to meet her needs. Her heart is closed to giving me another chance. We had a long talk the other day and I laid all my cards on the table and took responsibility for my mistakes and acknowledged that I know where she is and why. I also asked for another chance to show her my love for her. She said if I would have expressed this to her three weeks earlier, it would have made a difference. That really disappointed me. We have been going to counseling for a while and I have been prescribed medication to better help me manage my self and they have been working. My wife has been married and divorced 4 times and I think its easy for her to walk away when things get tough. This is my second marriage and I do not want to lose the woman I love and promised to take care of. I have been trying to go along with her plans and seem as happy as to not cause her to further dig in to her will. She has called all our friends and kids informing them we are divorcing and is even looking at houses. I am a faithful man and am praying almost constantly for God to soften her heart and let me back in one more time. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Joseph, I am sorry for the delay in responding to your comment. I’d like to offer you a free consultation with one of our coaches who can hear more of your story and will be able to tell you if/how we can help. If you would like to take me up on this offer, please feel free to call us at 972-441-4432 and we can get that set up for you as soon as Monday. Kindly, Becca

  56. am 32 and my husband is 34. my husband of almost 5 years, 6yrs relationship total 11 yrs wants out. he went somewhere i cant go.
    my father passed away 2 yrs ago ever since i lost my focus on him and focus on something else. he ask me multiple times to take care of my self but i couldnt here him plead. now hes determined he has no feelings for me anymore.
    hes the onle guy ibeen with all my life. i chose to be with him. i got so comfortable that he wouldnt leave. 2 mos ago he left to another country which i dont hav visa(denied i tried). at first we were fine and then after 6 weeks he change. he stop communicating, then just on d 8th week he said its over that hes sure theres no feeling anymore. i nver kept my promise to take care of myself. he blame everything to me. he shut me out. dont want to let me in.

    i want to save our marriage but how can i if he cant see that am changing. also hes ex gf is there and now their communicating and meeting up. i stalked them but i havent told him i know and pathetically i begged him to stay and currently clinging on him.

    am so at lost. i know these are not the things to do but how can i do anything if i cant reaxh him.

    • Hi Sid, I’ll be honest, the distance and limited communication makes things much tougher to do the marriage rescue work you need to do. Additionally, it sounds like he’s already involved with someone else. All of these things, while making things tougher, do not necessarily mean your relationship cannot be saved. It does mean the road to do so is likely tougher and the process longer. What I can tell you is that our approach to the rescue work will be beneficial to you in this relationship or another. I hope you’ll call us so we can help you. Kindly, Becca

  57. My wife of a year and 3 months left last month. She is tired of the heart break and pain ive caused her. I have a gambling addiction that would cause me to not come home at night and gamble out joint income away. I make about 3 times as much as her so I felt entitled, which ofcourse is very wrong. she also found messages in my phone last year between me and my childs mother saying we loved each other. Ive never cheated on her physically with anyone and I know deep down inside she knows that. she is completely moved out and I have no money to pay all the bills. she wants a divorce, and for her to tell me that hurt very bad. I want my marriage to work. even after she left she would say, I love you too. now she doesn’t respond to text messages. Shes staying with her family and im at the house alone. I recognize my wrong and have also stopped gambling and set permanent boundaries between me and my childs mother. I really miss my wife and don’t understand how she can love be and be gone almost a month now. Its hard because my child loves her and asks where she is. My family loves her and her family loves me. Should I just give her time and space and wait, or request that she make up her mind. We are really young…. 22Years old and have no kids together. If she files for divorce should I fight it and prolong it or go with it? Im so hurt right now, never thought she would leave me. I know she still loves me though, this is very hard for me. I feel as if we may need to be separated but I do not agree with the divorce she wants.

    • Blake, I’m sorry. My advice to you is simple. Your words will mean nothing to her right now. Only your actions will matter. It’s great that you’ve stopped gambling and put boundaries in place with your ex. Now it’s time to show her that you can honor both of those. If you haven’t done so already download my free ebook from the website on what to do and not to do. That will give you some guidance on how to respond and behave in a way that gives your relationship it’s best chance for rescue.

  58. I don’t know what to do. In October we miscarried and instead of talking my husband played his game and I shut down emotionally. I began to become more and more depressed and angry. I projected it all out that it was him and complained and said mean things like I didn’t like him anymore. I continued to feel like i had fallen back 10 years as it got to December where I got to my sons 10th birthday but he was stillborn. my ex husband reached out to me and after drinking and letting him get back in our daughters life i fell for it and we slept together it was 5 min. I have felt an immense amount of pain. I found out 5 days later that I was pregnant the baby is my husbands the dr confirmed. I couldn’t not tell my husband that I cheated i have never lied to him so I told him in the worst way because I put up my guard and told him everything i thought he was going to say. i said i was done but he asked me twice to make sure. he left that night and came back the next day and moved out. I went back to my ex the next night and drowned in it and again tried but left. When my husband asked if i ever did it again, again i was honest because lying has never been my way. After I waited a week I showed up at his house because I had seen his facebook messages. We talked he told me he was done and wanted a divorce. He loves me and misses me but cannot get the sight out of his mind, he could never lay next to me again, nor ever trust me again. He doesn’t want to live that way. I love him more than i can even discribe and right now feel like I am just falling apart. I have not been at work in a week. My daughter(that he has raised since she was 2 she is about to be 9) just bawls and ask when he is coming home. He says he won’t go to our baby dr appts and that he can’t stand to be near me. Help what do I do? I dont want to lose him we have been together about 7 years and in April will be one year married. He asked for a divorce but in missouri divorces are not allowed when pregnant.

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