6 Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating

signs of a cheating spouse 2

I heard somewhere that women always know when their husbands are cheating but men are the last to know when their wives are having an affair.

In my practice, I’m not sure I can verify this statement with evidence from clients’ experiences, but it makes sense in that women are usually more intuitive about the health of the relationship.

We are constantly monitoring how well our marriage feels to us and we are guilty of comparing our own relationships with those of our friends. It keeps us more on our toes.

But there are universal signs in this electronic age that can tell us if our spouse is having an emotional or physical affair.

Before we get too involved in this, let me say that I think spying on your spouse is a bad idea. A VERY bad idea. It is an invasion of their privacy and it is crossing a boundary.

The signs I’m going to list will not require you to be a private detective. Just observant. Spying never works. If you do find something, your spouse will feel betrayed (ironic, but true nonetheless).

The discussions now become centered on your betrayal and the cheating spouse feels even more justified for having the affair. So avoid spying…but never stop observing.

Signs your spouse may be cheating:

1. Your spouse has become more withdrawn and distant OR just the opposite.

If your spouse is often lost in his/her own thoughts, sharing less about the day’s events or engaging less with the family, I would ask questions. It could be they are more stressed, feeling depressed or anxious but you need to inquire how they are doing. The opposite can also be an indication. Spouses who are cheating are often feeling extremely guilty and they will become more attentive and generous. Also, new relationships often produce adrenaline highs that improve mood. Your spouse may be much more cheerful and energetic.

2. You and your spouse have an Increase or decrease in sexual activity.

For the same reasons as I described above.

3. Missing time or money.

Your spouse isn’t where they are supposed to be. They seem to be having to work late more and more often. There are charges that cannot be explained or money that is missing from ATM withdrawals.

It’s hard to cheat without hotel and restaurant expenses.

4. Guarding the cell phone.

If your spouse is protective over their phone and this is new behavior, I would wonder why. New passwords that have been changed or didn’t exist before is also an indication. This is also true for other accounts like email and Facebook.

5. Increased texting and/or computer time.

Chat rooms online, emails and other computer programs make it easy to hook up in secrecy. If your spouse is always on the computer, phone or iPad, it may be time to ask questions.

6. Your spouse gets angry when you ask him/her if there is someone else or something going on.

There is a right and wrong way to do this so pay attention.

If you think your spouse may be having an inappropriate relationship with someone, tell him/her what you have noticed that has caused you to worry.

Don’t accuse and don’t be snarky or mean. Just tell your partner you have concerns and explain the behavior you have seen that causes you to worry. If you ask your spouse without being accusatory or degrading, he/she should be able to respond in kind. Oftentimes a spouse will blow up in anger or make you feel you are crazy so you will back off.

Your question has now threatened the cheating spouse’s entire world and this can very likely provoke an attack. If nothing is going on, your partner may be surprised or wondering why you are asking, but once it is clear how worried you have been, the non-cheating spouse will often want to help you feel better.

If your partner calmly says there is nothing to worry about, but you still feel insecure and suspicious, it’s ok to ask for passwords or to see emails and texts so you can be reassured. Make sure your partner knows this is temporary and will not be an ongoing request. Also let them know you will never go through their information without their consent.

Remember this important fact:

Please remember this list only indicates an affair may be happening. It is not proof that something is happening. If you do find out your spouse is having an affair, let us help you with what to do next. Marriages can recover from infidelity. We see it happen every day! No one would blame you if you want to end your marriage after an affair, but if you decide you do want to save it, that’s our expertise!

Call us at 972-441-4432 or contact us here.

More Than Friends?

Windows and Walls“I am telling you, we are just friends! I don’t get why you are so uptight about this?”

Your gut is telling you one thing but your partner is telling you another.  The explanations of all the incoming texts, the heavily guarded phone and late night social media sessions just don’t quite add up. Your partner is adamant there is nothing going on and you shouldn’t be worried, but should you believe it?

Sound familiar? How do you know if your spouse is in a relationship that is too “friendly”? Where are the boundaries? Dr. Shirley Glass, one of the world’s leading experts on infidelity, spells it out in her book, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.

One very helpful concept is that of windows and walls. To decipher whether a particular friendship is threatening, first determine where the windows and walls of the relationship reside. Couples in healthy relationships build walls to protect themselves from outside influences that could potentially split them apart. Together, they look at the world through a shared window of openness and honesty. The couple is a team, a unified front when dealing with outside stresses.

Trouble arises however when one partner opens a window to an outside person and builds an interior wall of secrecy with their partner. When a friend knows more about your marriage than you – the spouse – knows about the friend, the windows and walls are reversed! The friend is on the inside, the spouse is on the outside and an emotional affair is dangerously close!

If your partner is getting close to someone else they are also distancing themselves from you. What can you do about it?  If it’s early enough, you may be able to set boundaries your spouse will respect.  Even so, it’s more than likely the relationship will continue and your spouse will simply get better at hiding it from you.  If you are currently facing this situation, call us!  We can show you how to draw your spouse back into the marriage and make him/her more interested in YOU and less interested in the relationship with the other person.  But it is important to act quickly!  Waiting only allows the bond with the friend to strengthen which can lead to a physical affair.  If your partner gets angry and defensive every time you ask about this “friendship”, it’s a sign things may have already progressed too far and the threat to your marriage is real. Contact us here or call us at 972-441-4432.  At Engage With Love we know how to help!

But what if it is YOU who is the one developing a friendship outside of the marriage?  Take this quiz to see if your friendship has crossed the line.

Has Your Friendship Become An Emotional Affair?*

Y/N     1.  Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

Y/N     2.  Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

Y/N     3.  Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

Y/N     4.  Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

Y/N     5.  Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meeting?

Y/N     6.  Are you aware of sexual tension in this friendship?

Y/N     7.  Do you and your friend touch differently when you are alone than in front of others?

Y/N     8.  Are you in love with your friend?

Scoring Key:

You get one point for each yes to questions 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, and one point each for no to 3, 4, 5.

If you scored near 0, this is just friendship.

If you scored 3 or more, you may not be “just friends.”

If you scored 7-8, you are definitely involved in an emotional affair.

*This quiz by Shirley Glass was first printed in USA Today (June 20, 1988) in an article by Karen Peterson, “When platonic relationships get too close for comfort,” p. 6D.

If your relationship is threatened by a “friend”, don’t wait. Come see us! We can help you rekindle your romance and reorganize your walls and windows so you can rediscover the bonds that brought you together in the first place!

Susan