January is Divorce Season. Don’t Get Caught By Surprise

January is Divorce Season. Let's change that this year. Get help from Engage With Love

January is divorce season. I know this is a harsh reality.  Right now, this is the time of year when most people are thinking of the upcoming holiday menus, shopping lists and time with family.

But for my practice, it is the calm before the storm. January is our busiest time of year.

January is divorce season.

Some of you reading this know your marriage is ending.

You and/or your spouse are simply waiting for the holidays to end before announcing the separation or filing for divorce.

You don’t want to ruin Christmas for those you love.

But some of you are going to get a devastating surprise.

Your spouse is planning to leave and he/she hasn’t even told you yet.

But when the holidays are over and the kids are back in school, you will get the news that your marriage is over.

You are the couple I want to talk to.

If you are the spouse who is simply waiting to break the news, please consider an alternative.

This is a huge decision you are making.

I get it.

I have met hundreds of people in your situation.

At one time, I WAS you.

I didn’t want to try again.

I didn’t want to go to counseling one more time.

I didn’t believe he could change even if he wanted to.

But circumstances forced me to try something new, and I’m so glad I did.

Your spouse may not want to change.  It is even possible they cannot change.

But before you call a lawyer, put the marriage on hold.

Tell your partner you will no longer pretend as if all is fine.

No more intimacy.

No more family dinners.

No more sleeping in the same room…

until you both go to counseling.  Then mean it.

Stop justifying the divorce with the belief you shouldn’t have to go to this extreme for your partner to change.

I’m telling you…it is often necessary to get your partner’s attention.  Because you have trained him/her for a long time that while the behavior or attitude is unpleasant, maybe even miserable it is still tolerable.

Change is hard, and we all often skid by on tolerable from ourselves and others.  After all, you have accepted tolerable for a long time too.

And don’t cop out with the idea that it won’t matter what changes you make or limits you set because your spouse won’t change.  Your spouse deserves the opportunity to get it.  YOU deserve the opportunity but more than anyone, your family deserves the last ditch effort.

If you are the spouse who is about to be surprised with news of divorce, I really need to get your attention now.

After all, you don’t know it’s coming.  But you have seen signs.

You know somewhere in your wisest self that your partner isn’t happy.

Maybe he/she hasn’t complained in a long time, but that doesn’t mean you are safe.

It could very well mean they have given up trying.

If you aren’t certain  your partner is happy in the marriage, your relationship could be in trouble.  Do something about it now.

Stop putting  your head in the sand and hoping this will go away.

It will not go away.

Your spouse will get more and more distant as time goes on.

Every day resentment builds, and passion and trust erode until there is nothing left.

I fear this is falling on deaf ears.  I hear you when you come in and tell me you wish you had paid more attention.

I have watched you sit in anguish as your spouse explains that it really is over and you beg for another chance.

Do something NOW.

Instead of being surprised with divorce papers, YOU be the one to surprise your partner and let him/her know you want to see a marriage counselor or coach.  This one action alone could be enough to cause your partner to stall the divorce  and wait and see.

If your spouse won’t come with you, it is another sign.  Come alone.  We can help you!

I would love to see January come and go without divorce lawyers celebrating the boom in business.

There is so much more you can do before taking that final step.  You just have to be willing to do something different!

Stop staying silent, complaining without action or ignoring the problem.

Put a light on this and deal with it.

Your extended family, your kids and your future generations will thank you.

Reach out to us here if you want our help.  This situation is our specialty.  Let our experts guide you into a more hopeful New Year for your marriage.

Why We Should Stop Playing the Blame Game in Marriage

Blame game is poisonous to marriage - engage with love

Let’s stop playing the blame game.

Why blaming others is poisonous

Blame is poison for personal growth because it allows you to keep the focus on someone else.

Even worse, it forces you in a victim position because you can’t control the person you are blaming. That means you have no control over the painful situation and keeps you stuck.

Blame is poison for relationships because it keeps emotions heightened and keeps destructive patterns in place.

It builds resentment and negative sentiments and before long, you want out.

Refusing to blame others forces you to be accountable for your situation and allows you the opportunity to resolve it.

Most of us are guilty of blaming occasionally but some of us have earned a Ph.d in the blame game.

Your first step to stopping this behavior is becoming aware when you are blaming.  It might not be as obvious as you think.

Why it’s easy to play the blame game in an unhappy marriage

It is so easy to blame an unhappy marriage on a partner who is disengaged or acting out inappropriately.  Maybe he is having an affair.  Maybe she is spending all the money or criticizing your every move.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, ask yourself,

“What am I allowing?” or “How am I self-sabotaging?”

Instead of blaming, learn where and how to set limits.  Not to control your spouse but to have your own back.  It may mean you tell your spouse that if a certain behavior doesn’t stop you are putting the marriage on hold.  But more often than not, smaller limits can be way more effective.

Stop blaming and start confronting the only person you have any control over–YOU.

Dr. Brene Brown on Blame

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past thirteen years studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.

Brene shares this short animation video which is a little self-deprecating and quite humorous look at blame and how it even creeps in to our early morning coffee.  Watch and tell us what you think.