Without a doubt, women come in with this complaint way more often than men. By the time I see the couple, the wife is exasperated and ready to talk but her husband is feeling humiliated and embarrassed. He would rather get a root canal than discuss why his wife isn’t satisfied in the bedroom.
The wife is often surprised when I say to her “If your husband is a bad lover then you are a bad teacher”. She doesn’t want to hear this. She wants sex to be romantic and spontaneous. She doesn’t want to have to actually talk about what she likes or dislikes. She shouldn’t have to teach her husband how to be a good lover! But the truth is…all of us wives have this responsibility.
For a man, good sex happens when the woman he is with looks and sounds like she is enjoying the intimacy. If his lover is just lying there with a bored look or worse, a ‘get this over with quickly’ look, it is a huge buzz kill. All a woman has to do to make sure her man feels good, is to look and sound like he is making her feel good. But for a woman to have great sex, it requires skill. The only way for him to acquire this skill is for you to teach him.
Every woman’s body responds differently. Learning how to be a good lover for one woman does not mean he will be a good lover for the next one…unless he is taught. The only one who can teach your husband how to be a good lover is YOU.
Some women tell me they have tried to do this and it hasn’t worked well. But as I dig a little deeper, I find they have not really done much trying. Talking about sex…about what you like and don’t like…. can be really awkward. Sharing and acting out fantasies can be intimidating. I get this. But not making the effort is far more damaging. Women who feel their husbands lack finesse in the bedroom are vulnerable to looking outside of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. Many of them will stop having sex with their husband altogether. There are a LOT of married people who simply aren’t having sex. This is unbelievably sad for me because this is fixable! It really doesn’t have to be this way.
Two resources I recommend to my clients are written by author, Ian Kerner. She Comes First is for the men and Passionista is for women, however I highly recommend both of you read both books! Even read them together and discuss what you think. It may open the door for all kinds of interesting communication!
In my counseling practice,we have some great worksheets you and your spouse can do together in the privacy of your home that will also help you open up more about your specific sexual likes and dislikes. It isn’t reasonable to expect every sexual encounter to move mountains, but if you aren’t enjoying sex with your spouse stop settling for less to avoid awkward conversations! This is why they call it “intimacy”. You have to be willing to share your feelings and thoughts. If you need help getting the conversation going, give us a call. We want to show you how to swim in the deep end of the intimacy pool!
Next week I will give the men specific tips to help when your wife says you are bad in the bedroom.