Improving Your Marriage When Your Spouse Isn’t Trying

separate couple picWhat should you do if you are concerned about your relationship but your spouse refuses to go to counseling?  We get asked this question almost every day!  You may be  feeling trapped.  You want to make things better but you feel hopeless because your spouse doesn’t seem to see the urgency, or worse, they just don’t want to work on it.

Don’t fret! I have very good news!  You don’t need your spouse to work on the relationship to improve your marriage!  Sometimes clients find this hard to believe, but I PROMISE you…I’ve helped save many marriages working with only one partner.  In fact, if your spouse doesn’t want to come with you, forcing him/her with coercion, guilt or threats of leaving will do much more harm than good.  A spouse who shows up under those circumstances is often resistant to counseling and doesn’t want to do the homework.  They end up resenting the counselor and you!  This just causes more trauma to your marriage and increases your feelings of hopelessness.  But leaving things the way they are isn’t the answer either.  You know if your relationship is heading for trouble.  Research shows the average couple waits 6 years before getting professional help and by that time, there is a lot of damage to overcome.

So how to do you fix your relationship all by yourself?

Let’s say I asked you to go home tonight and do or say something to put your spouse in a bad mood.  Would you know how to do that?  I know exactly how to push my husband’s buttons.  I can’t control his actions, but I sure know how to influence him. That’s a key component to this process.  Knowing you have the power to influence based on your own actions.

That’s a simplistic description for the process we use, but think about it…as we deal with our partners over time, especially when things haven’t been going well, we often find ourselves reacting to them.  We expect them to react to us.  Once we change this dynamic, amazing things happen.  Things start to improve and your spouse starts to respond more positively.  I’ve seen entire marriages turn around when ONE PERSON begins to act differently.

If your spouse doesn’t want to work on the relationship, don’t pressure him/her to come to counseling with you.  Simply call us at 972-441-4432 or email us.  We will help you change your marriage even if you are the only one working.

At Engage With Love, our coaches are trained in solution focused techniques that have proven results! Find out more about our coaches here. Give us a call! Your first 15 minutes are free.